


It's Complicated

by LouisSassAndAss



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drug Use, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-02
Updated: 2013-04-02
Packaged: 2017-12-07 07:07:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 25,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/745708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LouisSassAndAss/pseuds/LouisSassAndAss
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone knows the world famous boyband, and the lives they are meant to live. The fancy cars, the money, and of course the happiness that all of this is supposed to bring. But sometimes even fame and fortune can’t fix someone who doesn’t want to be helped and can’t heal wounds that are self inflicted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

It’s Complicated

That was the only phrase that seemed to fit the situation perfectly, and it was a phrase Harry couldn’t shake from his mind. All of a sudden he went from a nobody in Holmes Chapel to being Harry Styles 1/5th of the new boy band One Direction. Another fifth of that boy band being his older brother Lou. Lou wasn’t exactly the perfect role model but he certainly wasn’t the worst either. Harry had never known his father and when he was 8 and Lou was 10 they watched their mother whither away slowly. The pink fading from her cheeks, the light from her eyes, and soon enough her beautiful smile was gone as well. Brain Cancer was the diagnosis, the doctors were aggressive and hopeful at first. She seemed to be getting better on the chemotherapy and was cancer free until Lou was 15, she relapsed and the cancer came back with a vengeance. The doctors said that this time she was terminal, over the next 2 years they watched their mother die all over again, and when she did Lou was 17 and the legal guardian of his younger brother. Lou worked really hard and took good care of them for a while things were great. Lou hid the drinking from Harry surprisingly well, but on the 2nd anniversary of their mother’s death Harry came home from school to a drunk Lou who had trashed the house. That was the day where the tables turned and Harry began taking care of Louis. Harry often found himself cleaning up after the older boy’s gastro intestinal pyrotechnics, he knew he couldn’t mind too much because Harry himself didn’t have the best coping mechanisms either. He knew that he couldn’t confront Lou about his problem without feeling like a hypocrite.

So yes, things were very fucking complicated.

Harry had just put Lou, in his drunken stupor, to bed with his trusty bucket. Which was only useful 50 percent of the time. Harry sat on his bathroom floor now, the cold linoleum beneath him, and the equally cold porcelain tub supporting his back. He leaned his head back against the tub allowing his curls to fall away from his unimpeachably elegant green eyes. Eyes that watched his mother die, eyes that watched his brother kill himself, eyes that were now staring at the glinting silver object in his right hand with sick amusement. He felt the weight of his trusty razor in his hand and that alone calmed him simply because he knew what was coming. He dragged the blade across his forearm and almost immediately blood began to well up, it was red and angry against the creamy beige of his skin. He exhaled feeling infinitely better, he would repeat this process 3 or 4 more times before he cleaned up the blood and applied the bandages. He was once again overjoyed that he owned so many blazers, especially because of the interview tomorrow.

“What’s wrong with him?” The question pulled Harry out of yet another suicidal daydream and, unfortunately, back to reality. All though the question was directed to Harry it was clear the subject was his brother who was sitting on the interview couch with his sunglasses on and his head between his knees. He wore his trademarked suspenders but lacked his trademarked sass, or smile, or any hint of the Lou Harry used to know.

“Do you really have to ask?” Chimed in another voice, while the original question came out of Liam, or Daddy Direction, as the boys liked to call him. The new question was posed by Niall who, even if Louis wasn’t hung over every other day, could spot a hangover a mile away.

“Just leave him alone.” The ‘Bradford Bad Boy’ threw in his 2 cents before lighting a cigarette and taking a drag. And to think Harry had come out to the garden to be alone. Harry watched him pull deeply on the cigarette, which caused the end to flare up almost as red and angry as the cuts on Harry’s arm. Harry considered taking up smoking simply because each one is supposed to take 7 minutes or so off of your life. At least that’s what they told him in grade school.

“Can I have one?” Zayn gave him a questioning look before handing him his and without missing a beat lit another. Harry could feel the disappointed glares of Daddy Direction and the Irish man as he took a drag. The boys didn’t approve of Zayn’s smoking let alone Zayn getting Harry hooked as well. Harry began to cough which earned him a smile and a pat on the back from Zayn, “That gets easier with time, mate.” Harry watched Zayn take another drag with ease. Niall and Liam left making their mutual disappointment clear.

“Are you okay?” The question startled Harry simply because it had been so long since he’d heard it.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

It was very complicated.

The interview went well despite Lou’s hangover, Harry and Lou immediately returned to their flat and Harry put Lou to bed once again with his bucket, a glass of water, and a bottle of aspirin. Harry was about to go back to his room when he heard a knock on the door.

Zayn wasn’t at all sure why he was staring outside of the Styles flat. All he did know was what his gut was telling him, and that was that something was wrong and it had been wrong for a while now. Zayn couldn’t ignore it any longer even if the other boys and management seemed intent on doing just that. Zayn knew that Harry deserved someone who would listen to him if he wanted to talk, distract him if he didn’t, and someone who just generally gave a shit. Since it was pretty obvious that Lou had his head stuck way too far up his own ass to notice that his little brother needed him. So there Zayn stood, hand poised to knock, not sure what he was going to say once someone opened the door.

 Harry froze, “For fuck’s sake” he mumbled to himself. He tugged nervously on the sleeve of his purple Jack Wills hoodie that he had changed into after the interview and opened the door.

Zayn was now more positive than before, if that was possible, that something was indeed terribly wrong. The taller boy looked impossibly small in his oversized sweatshirt and hunched shoulders. His eyes lacked that mischievous glint to which Zayn had become accustomed and instead sported dark rings.

Harry only had enough time to mumble “Zayn?” before the sounds of Lou’s violent vomiting reached them both. Harry winced and Zayn dropped his head and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Come on.” Was all he said before he turned on his heel and walked down the hall expecting the curly haired boy to follow. Harry’s sounds of protest were lost in his throat and when the finally managed to tumble out of his mouth Zayn had already turned the corner and was out of earshot. Harry cursed snatching his keys off of the table by the door, he had his hand wrapped around the doorknob when another round of vomiting reached him. Harry, toughly annoyed with the both of them, slammed the door as he stomped through the hall toward the parking garage where he would find Zayn.

“Where are we going?” Harry questioned folding his impossibly long torso so he could look into the window of Zayn’s low riding, incredibly ostentatious, sports car. Harry was never one for cars, he knew little about them other than the basics. But Zayn loved cars almost as much as he loved his hair. At least that’s what the boys always teased him about.

“We’re getting you out of that fucking hell hole. Now get in.” Zayn mumbled all of this with a cigarette between his lips. As Harry folded himself into the small cramped space that to him resembled a rocket Zayn lit two cigarettes and handed him one.

“I don’t feel like going out tonight.” Harry pouted a bit like a spoiled child while looking at his hands and absentmindedly tugging on his sleeve. The cold bit at his cheeks and nose but Harry enjoyed the fresh smell of fall as it lingered with the smell of asphalt. The air was just damp enough for everything to smell like it had just rained without the actual down pour. Zayn had pulled out of the parking structure and passed the gate that kept out the less determined fan girls and was taking one of the less traveled back roads of the city.

“Good thing we’re going back to my flat then. You’re spending the night as well.”

“Bu-” Harry began but Zayn interrupted him with “A night without his fucking nanny will do Louis some good. Maybe he’ll figure out what a twat he’s being and sober up for once.” They sat in a fairly tense and awkward silence for the fairly short ride back to Zayn’s flat. It was even shorter than normal due to the fact that Zayn was breaking any and all existing traffic laws.

Zayn pulled up to his flat and parked, and Harry was the first to break the silence, “I don’t fucking need to be saved, Zayn.” Harry spoke quietly with his eyebrows knitting together above those beautiful and troubled green eyes.

Zayn was silent for several heartbeats, and with his hand still gripping the steering wheel until his knuckles were white Harry actually felt fear. It was a fleeting feeling of fear that the ‘Bad Boy’ might actually hit him. Zayn then let out a sigh that released all of the tension from his muscles and the air and when he spoke Harry could have sworn he heard his voice shaking very slightly, “No, you don’t. But you do deserve some one who at the very least gives a shit, yeah?” And with that Zayn exited the vehicle with Harry following behind him sheepishly. He felt guilty for being so hostile when all Zayn was trying to do was help. Harry didn’t know how to feel about Zayn wanting to help, he knew he cared, he knew all of the boys cared but it just seemed to be this giant elephant in the room that no one talked about. Everyone knew but it seemed like if someone said something it would become real and they would actually have to do something.

Harry stepped through the threshold into Zayn’s flat for the first time and all he could think was how surprisingly warm and cozy it was. Harry for some reason had expected everything to be sleek, streamlined, and stainless steel. It was actually a small 2 bedroom flat with 1 bathroom, 1 laundry room, and a small kitchen filled with modern appliances.

“It’s not Niall’s place, but it’s home.” Zayn said with a smile as he threw his keys and jacket onto the small coffee table. “Hungry? Thirsty?” Zayn called over his shoulder as he disappeared into the kitchen. “No, I’m ok, thanks.” Harry answered as he continued to examine the small space. There was a fairly nice gas fireplace with a nice mantel piece which served as a display area for an array of family and baby pictures, Zayn even had some pictures of the boys from when they were on the X Factor. Zayn emerged from the kitchen with 2 bottles of water despite Harry’s previous statement. He placed them on the coffee table and looked over at Harry who was still hunched and sullen.

“Are you ok?” He inquired again.

That question again, twice in one day. “Yeah, I’m fine, but I don’t suppose you believe me and that’s why you keep asking.”

Zayn was surprised by Harry’s candor, “You just look so sick and tired all of the time.”

Harry laughed half heartedly, because that’s exactly what he was. He was sick and tired of dealing with Lou, sick of dealing with management, sick of being on tour, sick of the fans, sick of the fame, and just so very very tired of living. “I really don’t want to have this conversation tonight, Zayn.” Harry sighed.

"Fair enough.""


	2. Chapter 2

 

They spoke for a while about things that didn’t really matter, and they both knew that. They enjoyed themselves nonetheless, they talked about Zayn’s car, the boys, the tour, and as clichéd as it sounds the weather. Finally as the conversation died down a grin grew on Zayn’s face that could rival that of the Cheshire cat.

“What?” Harry inquired suspicious of the raven-haired boy’s sudden change in expression. The look he sported was enough to make anyone who knew him worried, especially Paul.

“Do you smoke?”

“I just started today… ” Harry replied, confused because everyone knew that Zayn was the only one who smoked, well until today. This response earned him a bark of laughter from Zayn when he finally calmed down he clarified, “No, do you smoke weed?”

Harry paused, he had never smoked weed before, not because he was against it, it just never seemed to cross his mind or his path. His friends in high school didn’t smoke so he had never encountered the situation that his drug awareness classes always warned him about. Warning against peer pressure and the negative effects of the drug. “I’ve never tried it.” He admitted.

“Never?” Zayn was shocked to say the least.

“Holy. Fucking. Shit.” Zayn was sure to annunciate every syllable for emphasis. “Would you like to try it?”

Harry was silent for several heartbeats silently weighing the pros and cons in his mind. For some reason all of his knowledge of drugs escaped him in that moment so he abandoned all trepidation and threw himself headlong into the situation. A skill he liked to think he had developed himself and not learned from Lou. “Sure, why not?”

Zayn hopped up from the couch clearly elated, the excitement rolling off of him in waves. “I love smoking people out for the first time! Newbies are so much fun to smoke with!” He shouted over his shoulder as he disappeared into one of the bedrooms. Harry smiled despite himself; Zayn’s happiness was contagious but did little to soothe Harry’s nerves. Zayn reappeared clutching a brown paper bag and a long bong adorned with Rastafarian colors. “Harry this is Bob, Bob this is Harry.” Zayn grinned like a small child showing his friend a new toy. “How original.” Harry teased, Zayn stuck out his tongue and proceeded to flip over the brown paper bag emptying it of several green bottles and lighters. Zayn popped the lid off of one of the containers with his thumb and smelled it, he then half laughed and half coughed. “Woah,” he smiled holding the bottle up for Harry to follow suit. Harry eyed the container warily but put his nose close but not to close to the containers opening and sniffed. Immediately he pulled away and wrinkled his nose “Uhhrgg! That smells absolutely awful!” he mumbled in disgust as his eyes began to water.

Zayn’s eyes sparkled with amusement, “That means it’s good, the worse it smells the better it is.” Zayn laughed as he started to expertly pack the bowl. “I guess I’ll just have to take your word for it” mumbled Harry as he watched Zayn’s nimble fingers pick apart the green plant matter. He noticed then the Bob Marley sticker on the back of the bong with the words ‘One Love’ written below his laughing visage.

“Okay,” Zayn began as he placed the newly packed bowl back into the bong. “This here,” he said gesturing to the sticker “is covering the carb so all you have to do really is light, suck, and inhale. You have to suck the air in the bong into your mouth and release it through your nose until the chamber fills with smoke. Then you take out this piece,” pointing now at the bowl “and inhale. It’s sort of important to hold it for a bit, in your lungs so it has time to pass through into your blood stream or whatever.” Zayn finished with, “Here let me show you.” And he did just that expertly lighting the bowl, sucking and filling the chamber, and clearing the chamber all in a matter of moments. Zayn held the smoke in his lungs as long as he could before tilting his head back and releasing it through his nose. “Two key points to remember are don’t release it through your nose it hurts, and when you feel like you’re going to cough just exhale.” Harry wasn’t really paying attention because he was too distracted with the thought of Zayn as a dragon. The thought amused him greatly and he wasn’t even high yet. Everyone said he was a bit immature he supposed this was supposed to be proof. “Also,” Zayn began interrupting his immature thoughts, “It’s going to hurt, it’s going to burn, you’re going to cough, and your going to wonder why anyone would willingly do this. Just give it time and you’ll see why. Trust me.” With that Zayn handed over Bob and Harry must have looked a little lost because Zayn offered to light it for him. Harry nodded and put his mouth by the large hole in the top just like he saw Zayn do. He lit it and Harry did his best to follow his instructions but halfway through the process he had a coughing fit.

“Shit.” Zayn mumbled quickly unscrewing the cap of a water bottle and replacing Bob with it in Harry’s hand. Harry took a sip and continued to cough. Zayn put a hand on the younger boy’s knee and whispered, “Harry, look at me.” And he did his green eyes sparkling in the light from unshed tears, “Deep breaths.” Zayn exhaled calmly, attempting to get Harry to calm down. He knew from experience that panicking only made it worse. Harry remembered Zayn’s words from a few minutes prior ‘trust me’ and he did trust him but the exchanged seemed far more intimate now that he was choking and gasping and fighting unshed tears. Harry attempted several deep breaths before he finally succeeded in taking one. It admittedly sounded more like a wheeze but it made Harry feel better nonetheless. After several more Harry’s lungs began to feel normal again.

While Harry was focused on not dying, Zayn was focused on something else. That something being the little wrinkle that appeared between Harry’s eyebrows when he knit them together. He found himself staring at it, then his eyes; those big glowing emeralds that could melt even the coldest soul. Zayn’s eyes as traitorous as they were then drifted to Harry’s mouth first focusing on his thin upper lip and then his plump lower lip which was trapped under Harry’s teeth as he tried to focus on converting oxygen to carbon dioxide. Harry then realized Zayn’s intense stare and mistook his obvious sexual frustration for concern and offered him his best fake smile. Zayn’s eyes betrayed him one last time when Harry dazzled him with that grin. Zayn’s eyes landed on his dimple, that fucking dimple that all of their fans loved so much. Zayn shook himself out of his episode and attempted to laugh it off.

Zayn pushing what just happened out of his mind as he muttered, “I am not nearly high enough for this shit.” He proceeded to light up again and again until after the third hit Harry interrupted “I want to try again.” Zayn shrugged and handed him Bob, “Do you want me to light it again?” Harry nodded. An annoyingly loud voice in Zayn’s head hoped that it didn’t work this time so he could shotgun Harry, Zayn determined that he enjoyed that thought far too much for it to be ok. Zayn would only describe himself as bi curious while he found both men and women attractive he had more women then men. He actually only had sex with one man and that was different. He hadn’t felt like this about anyone since him and he had never had a crush on one of his band mates before, so why now?  _‘That seems to be the million dollar question’_  Zayn thought to himself.

Zayn scooted a little closer than appropriate on the couch and lit the bong again careful to not burn his finger as he watched Harry take another hit. Harry took the hit very well and managed to hold it for a few seconds before he coughed again. “Very good, mate!” Zayn cheered as he took Bob back to pack another bowl. Harry started feeling a bit light headed and that made a grin spread across his face. Zayn took another hit and quickly passed the bong to Harry. “It’s still cherried” he wheezed trying to talk and keep the smoke in his lungs at the same time.

“What?” Harry questioned. Zayn released the smoke from his lungs and made almost perfect smoke rings. “When it’s cherried it means it’s still burning so you don’t have to light it, you just suck.” Zayn winked at him and immediately regretted the action.  _‘Oh god, am I flirting with him?’_  Harry giggled “And you blow fairly well.” He gestured to the fading smoke rings.  _“Oh god he was, and was Harry flirting back?”_ Zayn had no idea anymore. They stayed like that, smoking, laughing, and making jokes until Harry couldn’t hold the bong anymore. “I think you’ve had enough, Harry” Zayn laughed when Harry’s fingers could no longer operate the lighter. Harry relinquished the bong and lighter and sank back into the couch “Hazza” he mumbled.

“What?” Zayn asked before taking another hit and finishing the bowl.

“Call me Hazza. It’s what Lou and mom used to call me. And I think you’re right, I have had enough.” He giggled as he started running his hair through his suddenly ridiculously soft hair. Zayn determined three things in that exact moment, the first being that he probably shouldn’t have packed a hash bowl for Harry’s first smoke session, the second being that Harry somehow looked even more luscious while running his fingers through his hair, and finally the third thing was that Zayn still wasn’t high enough for this shit. He cursed, as he always did when he smoked, himself for starting smoking at 16 because now it took far to long for him to get as high as Harry was right now.

Two or three bowls later, Zayn couldn’t remember, he was sufficiently high and sufficiently hungry. Harry was now laying sprawled out on the floor staring at the ceiling, Zayn couldn’t remember how he ended up there and he was willing to bet that Harry wouldn’t either. “Dude, are you hungry  **now**?” Zayn mumbled through his haze.

“DUDE…. YES!” Harry dragged out the last syllable so long that he sounded like a small child imitating a snake. Zayn stood an offered him a hand, harry took it and stood up wobbling a bit. “Jesus, how high are you?” Zayn teased. Harry laughed far longer then what was appropriate and with the biggest stoner smile Zayn had ever seen Harry slurred “Way to high!” Zayn shook his head and laughed, “Well what are you hungry for?” He asked as he walked into the kitchen. Harry followed and without skipping a beat roared “MAC AND CHEEESEEE!!” Zayn busted up laughing which made Harry laugh, which only made Zayn laugh harder. When they both calmed down they had tears streaming down their faces. “Okay, okay mac and cheese it is.”

“No, no, no. You gotta say it like this ‘MAC AND CHEEESEEE!!!’ just like that.” Zayn grinned “Fine, MAC AND CHEEZZEEE!!” They both busted up again, “Close enough.” Harry mumbled. Zayn sat Harry down at the table and started cooking, all Harry could do was stare and wonder how Zayn could even function right now.

When they finished Harry broke the silence “My lips feel weird.” He mumbled chewing on the bottom one. This is what Zayn loved about newbies, he loved how they verbalized every new sensation they experienced. Zayn chuckled and said “I bet. HEY! Do you want to go in the Jacuzzi?” Harry’s eyes widened, “HELL YES! But I don’t have a suit” He pouted. Zayn was amazed with the fact that Harry’s eyes could be bloodshot and it wouldn’t take away from how absolutely green they were. “You can wear one of mine” he offered. “Sweeeet!”

After they were both clad in a pair of Zayn’s swim trunks they stepped out into Zayn’s inordinately large garden. It was quiet and cold out so they both hurried into the Jacuzzi, once inside Zayn leaned over the side to turn on the bubbles and the radio. Harry found himself admiring Zayn’s ludicrously toned shoulders this thought and the fact that Harry really wanted to touch those shoulders didn’t bother him but there was tiny voice in his mind hinting at the fact that Zayn might not appreciate that. Harry slipped his head beneath the water and ran his fingers through his hair. Zayn turned around and couldn’t see Harry until he remerged from the bubbles and what he saw took Zayn’s breath away and made his stomach drop to his feet. There was Harry emerging from the hot water with steam rolling off of his broad shoulders, his wet curls clinging to his face, and his skin glowing in the moonlight. A knot tightened just behind Zayn’s navel and he could feel all of the blood in his body rushing to his groin.

Harry noticed his sudden change in expression and tilted his head to the side, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” Zayn squeaked, he sat down trying and failing to calm down. They sat in silence for sometime after that with nothing but the sound of the bubbles keeping them company. Harry had leaned his head back with his eyes closed and Zayn was staring into the bubbles wondering what the fuck was wrong with him.  Zayn thought a change in conversation or any conversation rather would keep his mind occupied so he broke the silence, “So why do you put up with Lou and his shit?”

Harry sighed not wanting to explain himself but he felt he at least owed Zayn that much since he was showing him such a good time. “There are a few reasons, he’s my brother, I love him, he took good care of me when we were kids, I know what he’s trying to escape from, and I’d feel like a hypocrite if I asked him to stop.”

“What do you mean you’d feel like a hypocrite?” Zayn enquired running his fingers through his damp hair.

Harry knew he had said to much and attempted to play it off as him misspeaking because he was high.

“Okay…?” Was Zayn’s reply to the obvious lies tumbling out of the beautiful hole in his face. Zayn stood up and climbed out of the Jacuzzi steam rolling off of him as he said, “If you didn’t want to tell me that’s all you had to say. You don’t have to lie to me, Hazza.” And with that he disappeared into the house

 


	3. Chapter 3

“Fuck me.” Harry mumbled as he jumped out after Zayn. He was just about to disappear around a corner when Harry called his name. Zayn whirled around like he might hit the younger boy. “What Harry?! What?! Do you have another excuse? Another lie? Harry I’m just trying to be here for you, you don’t have to tell me everything. Just. Don’t. Fucking. Lie. To. Me.” Zayn spat, his voice dripping with misguided anger.

Harry flinched with every word he spat on his tirade. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean too…” Harry’s voice caught in his throat, “It’s just complicated.” He managed.

Zayn laughed and Harry couldn’t figure out if it was bitter or genuine, “Haven’t you learned that everything is fucking complicated? Nothing is ever easy, especially nothing ever worth having.” Harry could feel his body betray him and he was powerless to stop it.  His eyes welled up with tears he was unwilling to shed. Zayn saw this and pulled him into a hug before he could protest. Not that he would have Harry loved Zayn’s hugs. “Haz, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to yell at you, I’m sorry. ”

Harry, who had been fairly unresponsive to the hug despite the fact that it was a Zayn hug, tentatively wrapped his arms around the other boy’s waist and buried his head into his shoulder where he proceeded to cry.  It was the hardest Harry had cried since his mother died, the kind of crying that made his throat raw and his chest burn. They stayed like that with Zayn trying to comfort him by rubbing soothing circles into Harry’s tense shoulders. They stayed there long enough for Zayn’s hair to dry. When Harry finally began to calm down Zayn whispered, “I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry.” Harry pulled away, “It’s okay” he mumbled. “No it isn’t. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry I couldn’t stop any of it but I promise you that I won’t let anything else happen to you.” Zayn said this with such conviction that he scared himself a bit, he was afraid he had divulged too much. He reached out and cupped Harry’s cheek, rubbing away one last tear with his thumb. This gesture was so painfully intimate that Harry blushed, “I’m cold” Harry yawned.

Zayn chuckled and dropped his hand from Harry’s face a tad embarrassed, “And tired, the guest room is right next to my room, do you want some pj’s?” Harry yawned again, “Sure.” Zayn walked into his bedroom and Harry followed him. The room was fairly plain, with a queen sized bed with red sheets and a red and black-checkered comforter, black bed frame, and matching black dresser. What made Harry’s jaw drop were the drawings that adorned the once plain white walls. They were sketches of Zayn’s family, the boys, old girl friends, and one boy Harry didn’t recognize. Zayn pulled out an oversized t-shirt and some gym shorts and turned around to ask Harry if these were okay when he saw him mouth ajar examining the walls. Harry wasn’t sure why he was shocked all the boys knew Zayn was an amazing artist. Zayn always forgot about the drawings, which seems silly but he’d done them so long ago that he’d just gotten used to them. They were just plain wallpaper to him at this point.

“Zayn, these are beautiful!” Harry murmured mesmerized.

“Thanks,” Zayn said sheepishly, “These okay?”

Harry agreed with out sparing a glance at them, he continued to study the walls. Zayn attempted to herd him out of his room before Harry started asking about the people he didn’t recognize on the walls. He was a bit embarrassed since they were very personal and not at all his best work. Zayn led him to the next room, which was much like Zayn’s but with a green color scheme. “Thanks for everything, Zayn.”

“Don’t mention it. Sweet dreams.”

“You too,” Harry yawned.

______________________________________

Zayn sat up in bed squinting at the digital clock, 3:15, three hours that had to be a new record. Zayn rubbed the sleep from his eyes and got up to turn on the light, returning to his bed with his guitar. He sat with his legs crossed in his boxers strumming lightly. He began to sing that song that was all too familiar.

_Blackbird singing in the dead of night_

_Take these broken wings and learn to fly_

_All your life_

_You were only waiting for this moment to arise._

_Blackbird singing in the dead of night_

_Take these sunken eyes and learn to see_

_All your life_

_You were only waiting for this moment to be free._

Harry had been sitting in the hallway for what seemed like hours but in reality it was only 10-15 minutes, when he heard gentle strumming and singing.  _‘Great, now I’m hallucinating.’_ Harry thought to himself. He decided to investigate anyway to make sure he was losing it.  He slowly opened the door and poked his head in. Zayn stopped strumming and laughed, “You too, huh?” Harry flashed him a brilliant smile, “I had a nightmare, what’s your excuse?” Zayn shrugged, “Just insomnia, I guess.” Harry crossed the room and sat down at the foot of his bed. There they sat in silence, Zayn staring at his bedspread like it possessed all of the secrets of the universe and Harry staring at Zayn like he was a puzzle that he just couldn’t figure out.

 

“Can I see it?” Harry asked motioning to the guitar, Zayn handed it to him smiling and said, “I didn’t know you played.” Harry smiled ruefully, “There’s a lot you don’t know about me.”

 

Zayn raised his eyebrows as harry turned his attention to the instrument in his lap. A grin spread across Zayn’s face as he began to strum a familiar tune. ‘ _He has good taste’_  He thought to himself as Harry began to sing.

_It’s empty in the valley of your heart_

_The sun, it rises slowly as you walk_

_Away from all the fears_

_And all the faults you’ve left behind_

_The harvest left no food for you to eat_

_You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see_

_But I have seen the same_

_I know the shame in your defeat_

_But I will hold on hope_

_And I won’t let you choke_

_On the noose around your neck_

_And I’ll find strength in pain_

_And I will change my ways_

_I’ll know my name as it’s called again_

_Cause I have other things to fill my time_

_You take what is yours and I’ll take mine_

_Now let me at the truth_

_Which will refresh my broken mind_

 

Harry’s voice faded into a yawn as he finished the song. “That’s a great song but not my favorite by them.” Zayn smirked motioning for the guitar. Harry handed it over as Zayn began playing once again.

 

 

_As the winter winds litter London with lonely hearts_

_Oh the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms_

_Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night?_

_For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt_

_And my head told my heart_

_“Let love grow”_

_But my heart told my head_

_“This time no_

_This time no”_

_We’ll be washed and buried one day my girl_

_And the time we were given will be left for the world_

_The flesh that lived and loved will be eaten by plague_

_So let the memories be good for those who stay_

_And my head told my heart_

_“Let love grow”_

_But my heart told my head_

_“This time no”_

_Yes, my heart told my head_

_“This time no_

_This time no”_

_Oh the shame that sent me off from the God that I once loved_

_Was the same that sent me into your arms_

_Oh and pestilence is won when you are lost and I am gone_

_And no hope, no hope will overcome_

_And if your strife strikes at your sleep_

_Remember spring swaps snow for leaves_

_You’ll be happy and wholesome again_

_When the city clears and sun ascends_

Harry yawned again as Zayn finished playing, “Zayn?”

 

“Yeah, Haz?”

 

“Am I still high?”

 

Zayn chuckled, “I don’t know, do you still feel high?”

 

“A bit.”

 

“Then you probably are.” Zayn smiled and shook his head.

 

“Zayn? Can I sleep here? Lou lets me sleep with him when I have nightmares.” Harry yawned once more.

 

“Sure thing” Zayn himself yawned as he pulled back the covers more so the could both lay down. Harry’s eyes looked hazy and glazed over with sleep as he said, “Zayn, who does winter winds make you think of?”

Zayn bit his lip trying and failing to think of a good lie considering that he was still moderately high. “Just some guy I used to know, and another guy I still know.” He mumbled after releasing his lip.

Harry giggled, “I thought so. Do you want too know who The Cave makes me think about?”

Zayn was just about to ask the curly haired boy that question, “Sure.”

“Lou and I.” He mumbled eyes growing heavy with sleep.

“Really?” Zayn was enthralled running through the lyrics in his mind once more.

“Yupp, well good night.” Harry yawned one last time before pressing his lips lightly to Zayn’s and rolling over mumbling, “Sweet dreams.”

 

Zayn was frozen, eyes wide, his lips still tingling from Harry’s kiss. Zayn had no idea what had possessed Harry to do that but he certainly wasn’t complaining. He was however terrified that come morning the curly haired boy would regret it, or worse he wouldn’t remember at all.

 ___________________________________________

Zayn rolled over as the morning sun warmed his face and groaned, cursing himself for leaving the curtains open. Just then a hand hit him in the face, Harry had just rolled over and slapped him in his sleep, open palm and everything. Zayn groaned and opened his eyes to what he considered a comically beautifully sight. He woke up to Harry’s mussed curls, gaping mouth, and his scrunched up nose. Zayn smiled sleepily and continued to watch Harry dream and thought to himself that he could get used to waking up to his face. He quickly stuffed that thought away; he couldn’t afford to have these thoughts.

Zayn went to pick up Harry’s hand, which was still on his face so he could start the day when he saw the bandage half attached to his arm. Zayn squinted and gently peeled away the rest of the bandage that had been beaten and battered by the Jacuzzi. He couldn’t quite make out what he was looking at, at first. Then it dawned on him as he examined his wrist further. Zayn sat up with Harry’s wrist in his hand and ran his thumb over the angry, red and purple cuts. Zayn’s mind kept running in circles and he couldn’t stop his heart from racing. Abruptly, Harry jerked his wrist from Zayn’s grasp. He had been groggy when he woke vaguely aware that someone was holding his arm. When Harry was conscious enough to realize what was happening he jerked his hand away from Zayn so fast the curly haired boy fell right off the bed.

They sat there in silence tears welling up in Zayn’s eyes. Harry was rooted to the floor where he had landed holding his wrist with one hand, eyes wide staring at Zayn. He was waiting for the yelling, the questions, but what he wasn’t ready for were the tears. They fell silently from his eyes, shimmering in the morning light.

Zayn’s throat was seizing up so all he managed was “Why?” It was surreal; Zayn could see it happen right before his eyes. He looked deeply into those massive emeralds and saw it. He saw the walls fall into place, his defenses rose and he stood body rigid. “Why do you care?” Harry spat, “No one gives a shit about me, so why do you care? Why are you trying so hard?!” Harry screamed releasing all of his rage that was usually reserved for himself when he was alone with his razor.

Zayn floundered, not knowing what to say, or what Harry wanted to hear. “Harry, I’ve always cared about you.” Harry’s laugh was bitter and cut Zayn to the bone. “If you care so much why has it taken you so long to figure it out? Why don’t my closest friends know I’m defective, hmm? Why doesn’t my own fucking brother know? Or care?”

“Hazza, listen..-” Zayn started but Harry cut him off and began pacing the floor. “What Zayn? What?!? Why do you fucking care? Why aren’t you disgusted?”

“Haz.”

“You’re best friend is mutilating himself and you’re the one who’s crying?”

“Hazza.”

“Forgive me but isn’t that a bit backwards? Shouldn’t you be angry, confused, or frustrated?”

“HARRY!” Zayn bellowed.

“WHAT?!” Harry roared, he whirled around to face Zayn who was still sitting defeated on the bed with tears streaming down his face.

“I used to do it.” Zayn whispered “What?!” Harry questioned thinking he had misheard him. Perhaps he had asked in the wrong tone of voice because Zayn’s response caused Harry to jump. “I USED TO FUCKING DO IT TOO! Okay?! That’s why I’m not yelling or asking questions! Because I already know why, I get it. I know what its like to be filled with so much self-hatred that you can’t even function without the pain to clear your mind. I get it, and don’t you fucking dare tell me that I don’t.”

Harry was floored, never in his wildest dreams would he have ever imagined that Zayn, the mysterious, wonderful, beautiful, Zayn resorted to self-harm. Zayn who was so perfect, and whole, and not completely mental, felt so much rage that he took it out on himself just to feel in control of something, just to feel something that was real. Just then there was a knock on the door, it was soft and muffled by the bedroom door and they probably wouldn’t have heard it if it wasn’t for the inordinate amount of silence that suffocated them. Zayn took a deep breath, wiped his face off and walked to the front door. He stood with his hand on the doorknob and took another deep breath before pulling the door open.


	4. Chapter 4

Niall woke to the sound of Liam hanging up the phone and muttering “Son of a bitch.” He groaned and rolled over to face him. “Who called?” Niall asked, voice thick with fatigue. “It was Lou, he was freaking out because Harry didn’t come home last night. It sounds like he’s started pretty early this morning so I told him to stay where he was and that we’d go get Zayn and look for him.” The naked Irish man rolled over and sighed, “Noooo, it’s too early.” Liam began to tickle the blonde boy, “Bitch, its 11:45. Early my fucking ass.” Niall perked up, “What about your ass?” Liam growled and pinned him, “Your ass is my ass.” He hissed. “You know it.” Purred Niall.

The blonde boy leaned up for a kiss but Liam pulled back, “I’m going to make you pay for that comment.” Niall furrowed his eyebrows, confused. Liam elaborated, unpinning Niall and getting off the bed. “You are going to pay for being so cheeky.” Niall leaned on his elbows to get a better look at Liam, his beautifully sculpted jaw line, his broad shoulders and toned chest that made Niall weak in the knees, and Niall’s second favorite part of Liam’s anatomy which was that wonderfully delicious V that led him to his favorite part of Liam’s anatomy.

 

Liam had reached into the bedside table and pulled out a pair of handcuffs, at the sight of them Niall’s mouth went dry; the blonde went hard so quickly it almost hurt. His body ached for Liam, the lust consuming him as his mind raced with the memories of what those cuffs mean to him. Liam pulled the sheet off of Niall exposing every inch of his pale skin and hard length. He then pulled the younger boy up by his wrists and cuffed him to the wrought iron headboard. Niall began to pant in anticipation as Liam straddled him once more. Liam hovered above Niall’s lips and as he leaned up to close the distance Liam pulled away. “Beg for it.” Liam hissed, Niall whimpered and obliged, “Oh God, Liam pleeaaseee?” Liam’s lips crashed into Niall’s for a few searing moments of passion until Liam pulled away leaving the blonde aching for more. Liam took a fistful of his blonde locks and pulled his head roughly to one side and began to kiss and bite his neck, leaving some red and purple love bites. Niall moaned, begged, and pleaded for release but Liam took his sweet time. Liam had made his way down the Irish boy’s chest painfully slowly, wanting Niall to really beg for him. By the time Liam was kissing Niall’s hip, Niall was practically crying. In between pants he would whisper, “Liam… please…. I can’t….can’t take it……PLEASE!” Finally Liam took him into his mouth and Niall cried out because the feeling of the older tongue teasing his head almost made him cum right then in there. Liam pulled Niall completely into his mouth and began to suck hard and fast until he could feel Niall tense up. When he started to mutter about how he was going to cum Liam stopped and sat up, Niall’s head shot up and with rage and lust filled eyes he muttered, “You’ve  ** _got_**  to be kidding me!” Liam’s eyes narrowed and before Niall could correct his error Liam had his hand around the boys neck, slowly restricting his oxygen supply, “What the  ** _FUCK_** , did you just say?” Liam hissed once more. He didn’t even give the lad time to choke out a response before he grabbed his hair once more and whispered sinisterly into his ear “I’m going to make you wish you never articulated that thought.” And with that Liam spread the boys legs and entered him in one rough motion. Niall wasn’t exactly a virgin but taking in every inch of Liam so quickly with only Liam’s pre cum as lube hurt, he cried out in a mixture of pleasure and pain, mostly pain at the moment. Liam stayed there frozen, “Take it back, apologize and I’ll use lube” he spoke with a dead pan. Niall grunted still consumed with pain and defiance. Liam pulled out and rammed back into Niall again, “DID I FUCKING STUTTER?! I SAID APOLOGIZE!!” Liam roared grinding his hips deeper into the blonde. Niall gasped, “I’m sorry!!” he shrieked as Liam pulled out suddenly and rammed into him again, “What was that? ‘You’re a whore and you’re sorry’ !?” Liam interrogated as Niall shrieked again, “I’M A WHORE AND I’M SORRY” he bellowed and with that Liam withdrew from him slowly and stood up and retrieved the lube from the night stand. No words were exchanged as Liam lubed both of them up, he re-entered slowly and Niall whimpered with the ghost of the pain he had felt before. Liam was gentle and kind now punctuating his thrusts with sweet kisses; Niall could slowly feel his orgasm building once more. Liam felt Niall loosen up and he increased his speed accordingly to his own need. He could feel his orgasm building but was determined to make the younger lad come first. Liam increased his speed and deepened his kisses and after a few minutes Niall strained against the cuffs and groaned, “Liam… I’m gonna-” Liam cut him off with a quick “Do it.” With that Niall came and his orgasm brought about Liam’s as well.

Liam collapsed next to his love and their mutual panting filled the room. “I was too rough wasn’t I? I’m so so so fucking sorry, why didn’t you say something. Next time- ” Niall cut him off with a gentle kiss. “No, please don’t say that. I liked it, and if I hadn’t I would have said something, yeah?” Liam smiled half heartedly and kissed the blonde on the fore head. “I love you” he murmured. “I love you more.” Was the Irish man’s response.

When they recovered they showered and Liam drove them over to Zayn’s flat so they could recruit him to help them find Harry. As they walked down the hall to Zayn’s door Niall posed the question that he knew Liam hated discussing, “When are we going to come out, Liam?” He sighed, “Can we talk about this later? Lets just focus on finding Harry.” Niall could see the stress and concern wearing on Liam’s handsome features so he dropped it, for now.

Liam knocked on the door and didn’t expect Zayn to be awake so he grabbed Niall’s hand and gave it a squeeze.

______

Zayn pulled open the door to a shocked Liam and Niall who quickly dropped their hands. Zayn pretended not to notice, “What are you doing here? I thought we were off today.” Zayn yawned and rubbed his eyes trying to hide his tears. Niall was turning beet red as his mind raced, he was trying to read Zayn’s face and determine if he had noticed or not. Liam recovered and explained, “Lou called us freaking out because Harry went out last night and never came back. So we came over to wake you up and go look for him.”

“Harry’s here. I had him come over and stay the night to get away from that drunk prick.” Zayn muttered his grief giving way to rage. He stepped aside-revealing Harry who was standing with his hands at his sides, he waved sheepishly with his right hand, careful to hide the other. “Would you like to come in?” Zayn offered. “No thanks mate, I’m going back to bed.” Yawned Niall, Liam smiled and called to Harry “Don’t forget to call Lou.”

 Harry gave him his best fake grin and affirmed, “Will do.” And with that Zayn closed the door and Harry disappeared into the bedroom. Zayn entered the kitchen and put the kettle on for tea, he was going to need a lot before he began to process what had just transpired. He returned to the bedroom at least wanting to have a shirt on to protect him against the cool British air and what he saw made his blood boil once more. There Harry sat on his bed whipping tears from his face and apologizing profusely and Zayn could actually hear Lou screaming through the phone. Zayn snapped, he plucked the phone from the younger boys’ s hand and matched Louis decibel for decibel. “OI! YOU LISTEN HERE YOU SELF RIGHTEOUS PRICK! IF I EVER HEAR YOU SPEAK LIKE THAT TO HARRY AGAIN, I WILL BREAK YOU BOOZING NECK! IS THAT UNDERSTOOD YOU PATHETIC CUNT?!” Zayn slammed the phone down onto the receiver and looked back at Harry. He sat there with his head in his hands and his shoulders shaking fighting every tear that escaped him. He didn’t know why he was crying Lou had yelled at him before and he had never had this reaction. Maybe it was the fact that he never wanted Lou to see him cry, or the fact that Zayn was there to comfort him, honestly Harry had no idea why. Zayn sat down next to the frail looking boy and put his hand on his knee, and that’s when Harry lost all control and burst into heart wrenching sobs that made Zayn tear up a bit himself. Harry cried and cried, he cried for himself, he cried for Lou, he cried for their mother and how ashamed she’d be, he cried because he never knew his father, he cried for Zayn, he cried because he wanted to cut and couldn’t, he cried because it was simple, he cried because it was all he could do. He couldn’t fix anything, he couldn’t be angry, but he could cry and that’s what he did. Zayn pulled him close and his tears soaked the older lad’s chest and he cried for so long that Zayn’s back became stiff and he pulled them down onto the bed.

He absent-mindedly played with Harry’s curls until his sobs slowed to sniffles. Harry sat up and hugged his knees to his chest, “I’m sorry” he mumbled. Zayn sat up and smiled at how child like the action was, “It’s ok.” Harry buried his face in his knees and Zayn barely heard what he said next, “No it’s not, you didn’t ask for this.” Zayn reached over and stroked Harry’s cheek with the back of his hand, “Yes it is, this is what I signed up for when I came over last night to save you. I thought this is what might happen. Harry you deserve some one who will be there for you. Who will take away the anxiety, self hate, and sleepless nights.” Harry let a bitter laugh escape him, “Can such a person exist, and if so are you volunteering.” Zayn looked down at his hands as if the possessed the answers to his questions. “Of course such a person exists, and that’s a bit of a loaded question don’t you think?” Harry buried his face again knowing he had to ask this next question and dreading the answer, “What do you mean?” Zayn let out a sigh, “I can be a friend that’s for sure. I feel like you need that person and I don’t know if I can live up to that.” Harry refused to let Zayn hear the pain in his voice or see the tears in his eyes so he kept his head buried and took a moment to harden his voice. “You seem to be doing a pretty good job right now.” Zayn wrung his hands and sighed, “I’m super glad, but I don’t want to hurt you. You’re a nice guy Harry, really nice. I don’t know what you want but I’m not the nicest guy and I just have a fear of hurting you. I don’t want you to be attached in a way I can’t reciprocate and I don’t want to know or think I could ever hurt you.” The shrill call of the tea kettle made them both jump and Zayn growled as he got up to pour them both some tea. When he came back he found his room empty the clothes Harry had been wearing neatly folded and the bedroom window open. He was gone, and Zayn knew deep down that everything even honesty was fucking complicated with Harry.


	5. Chapter 5

Harry ran, he ran as fast as he could for as long as he could. He ran until his lungs burned, he ran until his tears dried, he ran until he thought his legs couldn’t take him any farther. Much to his surprise he ended up at home, collapsed on the inside of his bedroom door glad Lou was gone but locking it anyway. He sat there panting and his breathlessness gave way to more tears and more self-hate. He marveled at how he could be so fucking deluded to think that Zayn would be his salvation. He wondered how he could be so fucking foolish to believe that there was a happy ending here for Harry Styles. He was such fucking idiot. He crawled to where he hid his true salvation; the bottom drawer in his bathroom in a small matchbox was where his silver friend slept. Waiting for Harry, and Harry was yearning for his sweet, sweet, caress. Harry did learn something from his painful experience at Zayn’s, location, location, location. He kicked off his jeans and sat there in his skivvies staring at the embarrassing whiteness of his thigh. The blood welled up almost immediately when he began dragging his salvation across his skin, relishing in the pain that reminded him he was alive and that this is what real pain felt like. Not the mental anguish he had been experiencing. When he finally stopped and calmed down his leg looked horrifically beautiful, he had cut so sporadically and with various depth that it almost looked like a severe case of road rash. Harry sighed contentedly and cleaned himself up, using several bandages and copious amounts of hydrogen peroxide. When he was finished he went to bed, he needed to escape reality some how.

__________________

Days passed and things were increasingly awkward between Zayn and Harry. They tried to stay friends and hang out infrequently but Harry was too mortified and canceled every time. Zayn understood and gave Harry his space. One night Harry was woken up to his phone buzzing, he picked it up and hit ignore not bothering to see who it was because he didn’t care, it was too fucking early for anyone. He silenced that blasted contraption and turned it off. He rolled over and fell back asleep almost immediately. Harry had no idea how much time had past or if he was still dreaming but he could have sworn that someone was pounding on the door. So he groggily rolled off of his bed and stumbled to his door, he knew he wasn’t dreaming now because the pounding was far too loud to be a dream. He pulled the door open with a curse dying in his throat when he saw the frantic look in the Irish man’s eyes and the tears that stained his cheeks.

Before he could even think to ask what was wrong Niall choked out 4 of the most heart breaking words Harry had heard since ‘The cancer is back’ his words were “It’s Lou, he’s hurt.” Harry had been waiting for this since he came home that fateful day and found the house trashed on the anniversary of their mum’s death, but just because he was waiting for it didn’t mean he was ready for it. How could someone be ready for something like this? Harry burst through the doors of the ICU and saw Liam talking to some doctors with Simon and Zayn sitting with his head in between his knees running his hands through his hair like he did when he was really stressed or anxious. All of their heads turned at once as if they were all connected by one invisible string, when in reality they were probably just expecting him. He stormed past Zayn and the others without sparing them a second glance and made a move to enter the room the man in the white coat was standing in front of.

“You can’t go in there.” The man in front of him, who was significantly shorter and older, murmured in a soothing voice. 

“The FUCK I can’t!” Harry hissed as he pushed past him, the doctor started to protest when Simon put a hand on the man shoulder.

“Just give him 5 minutes, please?” The elderly man nodded gravely and departed. Harry burst into the room, not sure what he was expecting but he wasn’t ready for what he saw. Lou was lying there pale and lifeless, tubes protruding from him like he was some kind of mechanical mutant octopus. The only thing that denoted he was still alive was the beeping that filled the sterile room and the very slight rise and fall of his chest. Harry didn’t know what happened but he could tell that in that moment something deep within him broke, some string, some filament of what holds a person together snapped. His legs failed him and as he collapsed onto the linoleum he released a pain-filled wail that could rival that of a tortured man. That’s what harry was after all, he was a tortured man, and now he felt that his captors had just ripped his heart out and were content with watching him bleed to death. Harry felt arms wrap around him and he flinched away from them screaming in between sobs, “DON’T. FUCKING. TOUCH. ME.” Harry sat there pulling at his hair, slamming his fists into the floor, and screaming. Just screaming. Screaming because it was all he could do, he was powerless and he hated it. He screamed because he could have stopped this, if he had gotten Lou help, he KNEW he could have stopped this. He screamed because he couldn’t lose Lou too, he couldn’t be an orphaned only child. He screamed until he lost his voice, he sat there whimpering and let the others help him up and put him in a car and take him home.

Liam walked him to the door, “Are you sure you don’t want one of us to stay with you?”

Harry shook his head and in a whisper said, “No I’ll be fine, I just need to be alone.”

Liam nodded solemnly, “We’ll be back in a few hours and we’ll go visit him, he’s going to be fine Harry I promise.” Liam forced a weak smile, and Harry followed suit. They bid each other good night and Harry retreated into the flat. Harry collapsed onto his bed, he was drained of tears but his chest ached as if his heart was missing still. He picked up his phone to turn it on and check for messages. He had one voice mail, he punched in his code and listened to the message.

**_‘Hey, Haz, it’s Lou, I uhhh, I need a ride. I don’t think I can drive. Can you come get me? I’d take a cab but you know being famous blows. Call me when you get this, bye.’_ **

Harry’s clicked his phone off and sat there staring at the ceiling.  After what seemed like an eternity Harry very slowly sat up and retrieved a notebook and a pen from his dresser. He sat down with his back against the tub and began writing. The tears were flowing freely even though he had no idea where he was getting all of them from, and every so often the glinting of his salvation would distract him from his task.

 Mom, my dreams are filled with pleasantries

That make me think you’re here with me.

They won’t let my poor heart mend.

 

I have tried my darnedest to continue smiling wide,

But I miss you and that’s something I can’t hide…..


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of lyrics because fuck you, that's why.

Lou- I don’t know what to say. I can’t possibly tell you how sorry I am. You needed me and I failed you. All of this is my fault; I love you so much please never forget that. You are an amazing brother, and I couldn’t have asked for a better friend. If you live through this please keep singing and try to smile for me.

Liam and Niall- I love you both so much please take care of Lou for me. Also everyone knows and we’ve always known, we just want you to be happy and if it being a secret makes you happy then keep it a secret.

Zayn-

Baby, I sorely miss the vibrant gleam that’s in your eyes

I’ll write a song about it

And maybe if the melody’s just right

I hope tonight it will find you

It will remind you

 

But what’s holding me back is the thought of time we never had

My world’s hanging by three words that I can’t bear to say

 

When you hear this chorus

Could you miss the way the world could spin for us?

Do you hurt the way that I do?

After all this time you leave me broken

This song is every word I left unspoken

When you hear this, boy, I’m hoping that you think of us

That you think of us

 

Baby, I told myself that I’ll be fine but it’s a lie

I don’t want to talk about it

Memories, oh they cut like knives

Deep inside I’m falling

Baby, catch me if you can

 

Harry signed the letter with the same signature that he had used so many times. He felt strangely calm, he felt strong and resolute for the first time in years. He folded the letter and rested it on the edge of the bathtub. He picked up his silver companion and with a determination he hadn’t felt in so long he placed the blade against his skin and dug it deep into his flesh. He did it the ‘right’ way not across his wrist but straight down the center. He did the same thing with the other wrist. He watched his blood flow onto the floor and he began to feel light headed, it reminded him of when he was high with Zayn. He smiled weakly and lay down careful to avoid the puddles, and he fell into what he hoped would be his final dreamless sleep.

_____________

Zayn lost track of how many times he had called before he decided to go check up on Harry. He didn’t know what time it was but he didn’t care, he had a gut feeling and he was so hoping he was wrong. He had never wanted to be wrong more than in that moment. He had been pounding on the door for what seemed like an eternity before he decided to use the spare Lou had given him. He opened the door to and oddly illuminated and silent flat. “Haz?” He called careful not to make any noise that would keep him from hearing a response or even a creak of bed springs some sign of life. The silence was deafening, it rang in his ears like an epitaph. He sprinted into Harry’s room to find an empty bed, he then turned on his heel and entered the bathroom. Zayn had expected the worst but when his turned out to be correct his mind still refused to believe it. It took him several long seconds to register and actually move. When he finally did move he grabbed the lone towel hanging from the rack and to the best of his ability he tore it into two relatively equal pieces. Zayn then knelt over the younger boy and carefully felt for a pulse. He felt one, it was soft and slow but it was there. Zayn with renewed hope tied the impromptu gauze around Harry’s wrists and pulled the boy into his lap. He then pulled out his cell phone and called an ambulance. He didn’t say “Harry Styles needs an ambulance” he said “We need an ambulance” and he gave them the address. He didn’t care who found out he just cared about Harry. Because to Zayn Harry wasn’t the only one who needed the ambulance all 5 of them needed it because they needed Harry. Most of all Zayn needed Harry.  

Zayn sat there absent mindedly playing with his curls, he was numb he didn’t know what was happening or why it was taking the paramedics so long but he couldn’t move. He just sat there twirling the young boy’s curls in his nimble fingers and before he knew it he was singing.

_He’s got all my dreams_

_I’ve got these broken things_

_And they always disagree_

_But if there’s one real thing_

_You would choose to believe_

_Just don’t lose your faith in me_

_He’s got broken things_

_Where his heart should be_

_And I keep rolling them over in my hand_

_Make my voice brand new_

_I give it all to you_

_And I’ll never speak again_

_Lord I’ve been trading places with the ghost in me_

_And it’s starting to make me sick_

_But if there’s one real thing I could choose to believe_

_Just a little hope would do the trick_

_He’s got broken things_

_Where his heart should be_

_But I can tell there are moments_

_When I’m really getting through_

_Make my voice brand new_

_I give it all to you_

_And I’ll never speak again_

Zayn hadn’t noticed the paramedics until they tore Harry away from him, one of them knelt down and asked him something but Zayn couldn’t hear him he couldn’t hear anything. The paramedic gave up and got up to help his colleague carry Harry out on a stretcher. Zayn leaned his head back against the tub and noticed a crisp piece of paper sitting on its edge. He snatched it and put it in his jacket pocket before following the medics out and weaving through the raddies attempting not to look guilty.

 

Zayn didn’t know how he got to the hospital, he didn’t remember when Liam and Niall got there, or who called them. He didn’t know who had given him this blanket of this cup of tea that was left neglected. He didn’t know these things because he was miles away, years in the past, and in a different hospital all together. He hated hospitals, nothing good ever happened in hospitals. He knew you didn’t have to spend a lot of time in them to figure that out. The last time he was in a hospital, before he came for Lou, was with Ryan. He was the only man Zayn had ever been with, and he left him in the same way Harry had only with a different twist. Ryan had used heroine. After the doctors had deemed him a goner Zayn was allowed to visit. He sat by his bed side one hand in Ryan’s the other pushing his straight blonde hair behind his ear, the comforting motion he had always appreciated when he had a nightmare. Zayn had gone back and forth for years wondering if he would have been better of if Ryan hadn’t regained consciousness and torn his heart out right before leaving him forever. But the fact of the matter is he did wake up.

 

“Blackbird,” he mumbled sweetly.

 

Zayn began to tear up immediately at the sound of his nickname but gave him a weak smile. “Yeah? I’m here sweetie, I’ll always be here.”

 

Ryan coughed weakly, is face even more pale than usual. His blue eyes had lost their luster and his lips were pale and cracked.

 

_“Everything that I feel’s like a warm deep calm casting over me_

_And it’s taking me to somewhere new_

_If you believe that everything’s alright_

_You won’t be all alone tonight_

_And I’d be blessed by the light of your company,_

_Slowly lifting me to somewhere new_

_Just say you love me and I’ll say “I’m sorry,_

_I don’t want anybody else to feel this way”_

_No, no, no_

_I’ll admit I was wrong about everything_

_Cause I’m high and I don’t wanna come down_

_All the fun that we had on your mother’s couch,_

_I don’t even wanna think about_

_I’m not strong enough for the both of us_

_What was I supposed to do_

_You know I love you_

_Please just stay_

_Stay”_

Ryan gave Zayn’s hand a weak squeeze and then the room was filled with the shrill of his heart monitor. Zayn was pulled from the room kicking and screaming and was sedated. He woke up in his own hospital bed to his mother’s forced smile. He could see the worry in her eyes, it looked as if she has aged significantly in the last 24 hours. All at once the events of the night before rolled over Zayn and he curled up into a ball and didn’t say anything. They wouldn’t let him leave until he ate something and kept it down and it was three days before his stomach decided to keep down the disgusting hospital food. He went home and went to bed for days, when he finally pulled himself from his bed he found comfort in his razor.

 

Liam pulled Zayn back to the present. “They said they’ve done all they can and that it’s up to him now. We can go see him now.” Liam whispered afraid that if he startled Zayn he would break completely in two. The three boys entered the room and silently took their seats by Harry’s bedside, Zayn on Harry’s left and Niall and Liam on his right.  Zayn was silently staring at Harry, he couldn’t believe how small he looked in his hospital bed. He didn’t know how much time had passed before Liam clapped him on the shoulder and offered him a ride home. He declined saying that someone should stay with him tonight. The boys left and it was just Zayn and what used to be Harry now.

 

Zayn took Harry’s hand in his and ran his thumb gently over his bandaged wrist, with tears streaming down his face he softly began to sing to the younger boy.

 

_“I’m burned out like a bright light_

_I wasn’t ready for this_

_you’re adorable as hell, but I’m glancing at your wrist_

_oh please have faith I can be so cavalier_

_and when they start to ask questions I’ll make sure to be clear_

_When you see my friend tell him hi for me_

_tell him what you think about the way you handled everything_

_you turned and all you left me with was this broken key_

_so tell me what you think_

_And give it up for the long nights and all those terrible fights_

_were you honest with yourself, every version of yourself?_

_did you get lost on the side of the road?_

_if you keep acting this way I swear I’ll never go home”_

Zayn had his wits about him enough to hear the screaming outside of the room.

“YOU HAD BETTER FUCKING LET ME IN THERE I’M THE ONLY FAMILY HE’S GOT LEFT YOU INSUFFERABLE WANKER!” Zayn turned to see Lou screaming at his physician, the elderly man reminded him that he shouldn’t be out of bed let alone subjecting himself to the unwarranted stress of seeing his brother in his present condition. Zayn then heard Simon’s low rumble of a voice work his magic on the man, and he begrudgingly relented. The door opened and Simon pushed Louis through the door, Lou looked far worse than Harry his face was bruised and bloodied and his body was broken and bandaged but his face was flushed with life and blood, something Harry’s lacked entirely. Lou didn’t spare Zayn a glance at all but Simon studied the raven-haired boy thoroughly, as if he was searching for the answer as to why this happened in his eyes.


	7. Chapter 7

Louis was speechless for a while; he just stared at his younger brother with his blue eyes wide and his loud mouth agape. If Zayn had been in his right mind he probably would have made a remark about how this was the first time he’d seen the older lad in such a state of silence. Even when he was asleep Louis snored like a chainsaw. When Louis broke the silence his voice was low and harsh. “Harry what have you done? What would mom say? We promised her we’d be good, that we would take care of each other! How could you leave me alone like this?!” Lou’s voice got progressively louder as he went on. “HOW COULD YOU BE SO FUCKING SELFISH? AFTER ALL WE’VE BEEN THROUGH, HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME LIKE THIS?! YOU DIDN’T EVEN SAY GOOD BYE!” Zayn couldn’t listen to anymore, he stood up so quickly that his chair was knocked to the floor with the force.

“I have just about enough of your bullshit!” Zayn hissed.

Lou’s eyes narrowed, they were cold and piercing. “The fuck did you just say?”

“ALL HE EVER FUCKING DID WAS LOVE YOU, AND TAKE CARE OF YOU! IT WAS LIKE YOU WERE HIS CHILD! YOU WERE A WEIGHT THAT WAS PULLING HIM DOWN AND WHEN YOU DID THAT TO YOURSELF,” he gestured to Lou’s broken body and battered visage “HE LOST IT, HE THOUGHT HE FAILED YOU! HE THOUGHT HE LOST YOU AND HE COULDN’T LIVE WITH THAT GUILT. SO DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE TELL HIM HE’S SELFISH WHEN YOU HAVE BEEN NOTHING BUT A SELFISH, SELF RIGHTEOUS, PRICK FROM THE MOMENT I MET YOU. YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF HIS GOOD FUCKING NATURE AND THE ONLY REASON HE PUT UP WITH IT WAS BECAUSE HE’D FEEL LIKE A HIPOCRITE IF HE DIDN’T!” Zayn sucked in a shuddering breath holding back his tears to the best of his abilities and continued his tirade. “Here listen to this, ” He pulled out the crumpled note and began to read from it “Lou- I don’t know what to say. I can’t possibly tell you how sorry I am. You needed me and I failed you. All of this is my fault; I love you so much please never forget that. You are an amazing brother, and I couldn’t have asked for a better friend. If you live through this please keep singing and try to smile for me. ” Zayn threw the note down onto the bed between them and Lou picked it up and re-read the same words Zayn had just spat at him. He was rendered speechless once again, but not for long after a few moments he broke down sobbing. He continued to wail about how sorry he was as they wheeled him out of the room. Simon picked up the note and read it himself and handed it back to Zayn, “Keep this safe, this is only meant for you boys, I shouldn’t have even read it.” Zayn gave him a curt nod and Simon left.

Zayn woke the next day to a nurse shaking him awake. “I brought you something to eat in case you we’re hungry. Though I doubt it, but just try to eat something ok? I don’t want to have to hook you up to an IV as well.” She said this as she changed Harry’s fluids and checked his vitals. “Thank you, how is he?” The nurse sighed and said “He’s not any better but not any worse which is good. These things take time, just be patient.” The week passed by slowly, and Zayn hadn’t left the hospital once. Liam and Niall had brought him changes of clothes, toiletries, and his guitar. Zayn did the only thing he could do to pass the time and maintain his sanity, he sang. He sang to Harry and every time he did he hoped his eyelids would flutter open to reveal those beautiful jeweled orbs and that he would sing the chorus back to him.

All these days have turned these months into a year

And I’ve been spending every second wishing I could disappear

And I know when they all start to speak again

I just need some inspiration I can rightfully defend

And I’m close when it’s hurting bad, it only gets worse

I sing for the children of the earth

 

I’ve broken every rule that I’ve known

Since you told me that I’ve got to have passion

Honestly, you’ve got me all wrong

I am just a boy on my own, and looking for some promising action

Tell me what it takes to move on

 

When I’m gone I can’t keep up with what’s at home

And I’d love to make it right, but there are things I can’t control

But I’m close, when it’s over tell me when to let go

I’ll be the last one to know

 

When you were at the top of my list, I promised you

That this wouldn’t happen, how do I begin to explain

Crimson lips and permanent kiss, you love me

Make a move, so carefully,

Cut me down and let me bleed

And I’ll slowly, walk away

 

And now you wanna talk, so fitting

I remember times, when you were holding by a thread of a chance

You’ll make it out alive, God willing

All you need is time,

And it’s been getting awful close to our year

This is so messed up, but if you give me all your love

Then we’ll show angels up above,

That we can make it out alive, God willing,

I remember times, when you were holding by a thread of a chance

 

Zayn collapsed into tears placing the guitar on the floor and his face in his hands. He wept with his entire body and when he finished he was sniffling “Oh God Harry, please come back. We need you, Lou needs you, I need you so so much. Please don’t leave me. Please don’t be the second boy I’ve ever loved to leave me. I can’t handle another one, if you leave me I’ll follow you into the dark. Is that what you want?!” Zayn’s head was still buried in his hands his tears renewed.

 

“Fuuuuck.”

 

Zayn’s head shot up at the sound and saw Harry squinting into the light. Harry lifted his head to rub his face but moving his wrist hurt for some reason. He looked down and saw his bandages and said again, “Fuuuuck.”

 

“Stop that.” Zayn admonished with a grin on his face.

 

Harry examined him, “Have you been crying?”

 

“Shut up you stupid wanker.” Zayn shook his head and released a partly nervous and partly bitter laugh.

 

“God damn.” Harry breathed as he looked at his bandages.

 

“What?” Zayn looked at him with concern etched into his face, “Does it hurt? Do you want me to get someone?”

 

“No, no it’s fine. I’m just… never mind.” Harry decided against speaking his mind.

 

“What is it?” Zayn questioned

 

“It’s nothing” He mumbled

 

“Don’t give me that, I haven’t left this room for days. So don’t fucking tell me it’s nothing I think I deserve to know.”

 

Harry relented “I’m just…. disappointed. I thought I’d be.. you know. Gone.”

 

Zayn was speechless he just stared at him. Harry tried to sit up and he ran his finger over where his IV entered his arm. “Hazza, I haven’t left this hospital since you got here. They had to put restraints on Lou to make him stay in bed. We need you, I need you, I can’t do this without you. I know I said something that hurt you the other day but please, PLEASE, understand me when I say I can’t be here without you. ” Zayn picked up Harry’s arm and laid a gentle kiss to his bandage, “Please don’t ever try to leave me again. Once was more than enough.”


	8. Chapter 8

Just then a short, thin, greying woman entered the room, she had a stern controlled expression that didn’t even hint at sympathy. “Oh,” her expression shifted momentarily when she realized Harry was conscious, “How nice of you to join us here in the conscious world Mr. Styles. If you don’t mind I need to speak with my patient privately.” She murmured then to Zayn. Her voice wasn’t harsh but it did give Harry the sinking feeling that he was in trouble, like he was back in grade school. Zayn gave Harry’s hand a quick squeeze and retreated. The woman introduced herself as Dr. Augustus as she took Zayn’s seat beside Harry. She released a heavy sigh as if she was readying herself for what was about to come, which only increased Harry’s sense of foreboding. “Mr. Styles, I-”

 

“Harry, please call me Harry.” Harry interrupted absent-mindedly twirling one of his many cords between his fingers unable to make eye contact. He never anticipated having this conversation considering he thought his next public appearance would be in a casket.

 

“Harry, I don’t know if you’re aware, most people in you situation aren’t but we have a fairly old law on the books that requires that anyone who attempts suicide is to be kept for observation and counseling for fourteen days.” She paused and waited like she expected Harry to respond, so he did.

 

“I, uh, didn’t know that. But I’m not exactly surprised. I don’t suppose I can go to a facility where no one will recognize me.” He continued to avoid her prying eyes. All he really wanted to was go home, curl up into a ball, and go to sleep.

 

“I actually gave that quite a bit of thought. The solution I came to was you could be placed in my facility. We usually take far more severe cases, but no one there should know who you are and the staff are bound by privilege.”

 

Harry furrowed his brow, “How do you know they won’t recognize me?”

 

Dr. Augustus actually let out a curt laugh, “Harry, they don’t even know who they are half the time.”

 

_________

 

“He is NOT going to a fucking looney bin! I do not give a FUCK what the law says!” Simon bellowed

 

“I’m right here. I can hear you.” Harry interrupted.

 

Dr. Augustus and Simon didn’t spare Harry a glance as they continued the bickering. “You have no choice. What’s done is done and now you have to deal with the results and the solution I’ve developed is the best possible scenario considering the circumstances.”

 

They continued to go back and forth until Harry had had enough, “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” That got their attention and they both glared at him like he had been very rude for interrupting the grown ups. “Simon, I think a vacation would be nice, even if it’s with a bunch of the city’s mentally ill. Now if you both could leave and let me be alone with my thoughts that would be nice.” Harry smiled sweetly attempting to pacify the situation.

 

Harry ended up falling asleep when he finally managed to quell his racing thoughts, he was woken up by a whispered argument. He peeked under his lashes to see Zayn arguing with Louis. “You guys suck at being quiet.” He groaned sitting up and rubbing his eyes. The other boys both let out their best fake smiles.

 

“Zayn just thinks it would be better for you if you stayed with us.” Lou explained

 

Harry cocked an eyebrow “And you disagree?”

 

Lou looked sheepish, “I don’t want you to go, but I’m not deluded enough to think that we have all of the tools necessary to help you.”

 

“ _DELUDED_?! You think I’m fucking  ** _DELUDED_**?” Zayn bellowed standing menacingly over the boy who was still confined to a wheel chair.

 

“Lou can I talk to Zayn alone before you say something that might actually get you killed?” Lou gave Zayn one last cold glare as he left the room.

 

“Why do you want me to stay?” Harry inquired

 

Zayn sat down in the chair next to his bed and deflated with a sigh. “I just don’t want you surrounded by a bunch of doctors and loons. You know how much I hate doctors. I just think you would be better off here with people who care about you.”

 

Harry let out a nervous giggle, “Well see where that got me.”

 

“Jesus Harry! If you had only said something! You could have spoken to anyone, ANYONE about this but you didn’t you just internalize everything and then blow up and take it out on yourself later. You never let anyone in! You need to grow up and realize that running away and shutting everyone out isn’t the way to deal with things.”

 

Harry leaned his head back against his pillow and tried to fight the tears, he managed to fight past the lump in his throat and whispered, “Get out.”

 

“Harry, I-”

 

“Get out.”

 

“Harry, no-”

 

“I said, GET OUT! Leave! GO! Now!” Harry thundered and sat up putting his head in his hands and when he finally sat up he saw that Zayn was gone.

 

_________

When Harry was being transferred to Dr. Augustus’ facility the next day Zayn was mysteriously absent from the group who came to wish him well and send him off.  Harry was shuffled into the back of a Lincoln town car with blacked out back windows and Paul drove him to the facility. They drove for about an hour once they managed to get out of the city before they reached their destination. When Harry exited the vehicle and took in his surroundings all he could think of was how much this place looked like the day care center from Tot Story 3. Liam had dragged them all to go see it when it came out and proceeded to weep uncontrollably, though he would deny that to his grave. This place even had the same kind of annoyingly optimistic name, ‘Sunflower Meadows’. Harry began to question why he ever thought this was a good idea. He helped Paul with his bags and the entered the front door.

___________

 

Harry had been led to his room after bidding Paul a fairly awkward farewell. He had tossed his bags on the floor and fell face first onto his bed. This was wrong the bed didn’t feel or smell like his; it was too stiff and smelled almost exactly like his hospital bed. Harry sighed into his pillow and stayed like that for a while until a voice startled him into a proper sitting position.

 

“How long has the fatigue been a problem?” Dr. Augustus leaned in the doorway that Harry could have sworn he closed.

 

“A while,” Harry paused to attempt to recall when it started “I can’t remember when but I just chocked it up to being busy and on the go all the time.”

 

Dr. Augustus’ face didn’t give anything away. “Well you might want to unpack, dinner is in 15 and then I’ll have someone give you the tour.” With that she left closing the door behind her. Harry threw his close haphazardly into the dresser and discovered his old stuffed bear at the bottom of the duffle. Lou must have packed him. He half smiled to himself and gave the bear a tight squeeze before gently tossing him on his bed. 


	9. Chapter 9

Harry sat at a table that reminded him vaguely of the one he had sat at in primary school. Those however were not a depressing grey color and covered with scratches. He pushed around his peas with his fork, he mixed them in with his potatoes and didn’t even bother with the chicken he knew would be dry. A shift in the air informed him that someone had graced him with their presence. He looked up from under his lashes and curls and noticed a girl who seemed to be his age despite how small and fragile she looked. She flashed him a tentative smile and leaned in a bit to whisper,  “You get points for eating, you know.”

 

She gestured with her head to the orderlies guarding the door, who were looking their way. “The more points you have, the more privileges you earn. Don’t want to be stuck in that wretched room of ours do you?”

 

Harry lifted his face so he could look at her full on, and tilted his head to the side in confusion. “Our room?”

 

She furrowed her brow, “Did they not mention that you would have a room mate? And did you fail to notice the second bed in the room?”

 

Harry was more confused than ever, why would he have a female roommate? How did he not notice the other bed?

 

“Auggy is losing her touch, she also told me to give you the tour when you were done eating. But I think you have to start eating in order to be done eating.” Harry sighed and scooped a heaping forkful of mashed potatoes and peas into his mouth, chewed, swallowed. Then chased it with two bites of the (just as he had suspected) dry chicken and some milk. “Done.” He mumbled and stood waiting for her to lead the way.

 

She stood wordlessly and they walked past the intimidating orderlies into the main hallway. She explained that the facility was arranged like a capital H, the bottom right leg being the entrance hall, the middle bridge piece being the cafeteria, the top two legs being the patient rooms, and the bottom left leg being the Doctor’s offices and the group rooms. The girl went on to explain that one of the group rooms was used for activities for in her words “to keep them from losing their minds more than they already had.” When they were finished they ended up back in their room. She laid down face first on her bed, that Harry had indeed failed to notice, and he sat on his. Harry was the first to break the silence, “So, uhm, I didn’t catch your name.”

 

Her pillow muffled her response and Harry had to strain his ears to hear it. “That’s because I never said it. Let’s hear yours first”

 

Harry considered giving her a fake name but he figured that she’d figure out it was a lie if the good doctor ever called him by his name in front of her. “Harry, my name is Harry”

 

“What a nice normal name. I’m Ariadne, nice to meet you.”

 

Silence pervaded the room and Harry had to break it once more. “So what now?”

 

Ariadne sighed and rolled over, “If either one of us ha any points we could be doing something, but since we don’t we’re confined to this room. In about an hour they’ll come around with meds and after that it’s lights out.” With that she threw her arm over her eyes. Harry took that time to examine her more closely. She had shoulder length black hair that fanned out around her pillow, a fairly narrow face, and a small nose that was splashed with freckles. She was wearing a long sleeved black shirt that exposed her oddly defined collarbones and little else, the ensemble was completed with pajama pants that were also black but punctuated with a little white dog that after a few moments Harry recognized from a theme park he had visited while on tour in the states. It was Snoopy if he recalled correctly. When she had laid down she had kicked off a pair of flip flops, but these looked like they were the love child of normal flip flops and fuzzy slippers because while they were indeed flip flops they were fuzzy all the same. Just then a loud curt knock rang through the room, and before either one of them could answer the door was opened by one of the beefy glorified security guards and a nurse followed him in with a cart covered in tiny cups.

 

“The knock gives the illusion of privacy, Harold.” Ariadne muttered without moving her arm from her face.

 

The nurse was pleasantly plump and so sweet that she could give a dentist a cavity. She reminded Harry of Liam’s grandmother. She explained the medication that Dr. ‘Auggy’ had told her to administer and handed him two cups, one with 2 fairly small blue pills, and one with a cup of water. Harry inhaled the contents like Lou inhaled shots, all he wanted was for her to leave. The nurse smiled down on him and turned to Ariadne, she however had to hand her, a series of different cups and gave her a bottle of water. Finally they both left without a word. Harry sighed and laid down staring at the ceiling contemplating if this had been the greatest idea or not.

 

______

 

Harry woke to a violent shaking. “HARROLLLDD!” Ariadne sang in a singsong voice that didn’t please him at all whatsoever. Harry sat up and rubbed his eyes.

 

“What? What, what is it? What?” He grumbled

 

“Good morning to you too sunshine. It’s breakfast time new guy, remember food = points, points = sanity.” Ariadne grinned.

 

Harry glowered at her and rolled over. “You don’t have any points maybe you should go eat and leave me to sleep in peace.” Harry could hear her flop back down on her bed and sigh.

“Why would I want to spend any time out there?” She mumbled

 

“I was just asking myself the same question.” Harry grumbled and fell back asleep.

 

_________

 

Harry was woken by a much more gentle nudging this time, he rolled over and squinted his eyes. I very old nurse smiled down on him, she smiled and her eyes crinkled immensely at the edges.

 

“Gotta get up hun, time for your first official meeting with the doctor.” Harry stood and stretched before noticing Ariadne’s absence.

 

“Follow me dear.” She smiled again. Harry found her presence comforting, he had never knew his grandmother and he felt a simultaneous joy at her smiling face and the sorrow of the loss of an experience he never had in his child hood.

 

She led him across the facility and Harry spent the trip staring at his shoes and thinking deeply. So deeply he almost ran into the door she had led him to. She stifled a giggle and opened the door for him. Harry nodded his head with his cheeks flushed and entered. Dr. Augustus sat behind a fairly large and ornate oak desk that dwarfed her physical stature. What really took Harry’s breath away was the bookcase behind her that engulfed the entire wall. Harry had always loved books, and he could already see some of his favorite titles scattered amongst the various self-help and psychologically redundant titles.

 

“Thanks, Joan.” The good doctor smiled genuinely for the first time in Harry’s presence.

 

Harry stood there taking in the office with its forest green walls and brown carpet. The room didn’t appeal to him much but he imagined that it wasn’t supposed to considering  it was her office after all.

 

“You can sit down, you know.” The doctor interrupted his thoughts. Harry wordlessly took a seat in a chair that both looked and was decidedly far less comfortable than the doctor’s leather seat. “How are you feeling today?” She began with the fairly ambiguous question, one that allowed Harry to steer the conversation in anyway that he pleased. He wasn’t unfamiliar with how psychologists worked considering how before he became an international pop star he wanted to be one.

 

Harry attempted a nonchalant shrug and kept his expression neutral as he said, “Fine, I suppose.”

 

Dr. Augustus had her hands folded on her desk and wasn’t scribbling anything; she kept her posture relaxed and gave him her full attention. Harry however slouched low in his seat with his arms crossed, his position was defensive. Harry just wanted to do his time here and get out so he could try again, he didn’t want to be cured, he didn’t want his head shrunk, he wanted to be dead. Everything would be easier if he was dead.

“Any suicidal thoughts recently?” She inquired like she had been asking him about the weather.

 

Harry resisted the smile that threatened to cross his face and said “No, no more than normal.”

 

“And what would normal entail?”

 

Harry shrugged once more, “Just when you see something or hear something stupid you think ‘I don’t want to be on this planet anymore.’”

 

Much to Harry’s surprise the good doctor laughed, “I’ve had many of those moments myself. Every time I do I go to a book store and pick a book that proves there is more to this planet than stupid celebrities and deplorable world leaders. As you can see,” She gestured behind her “I, like I said, have had a great deal of those thoughts.”

 

Harry cracked a smile, “Yeah I noticed those.”

 

The doctor gave him a knowing grin, “See anything you like?”

 

Harry chuckled, “A few I’ve read before, you struck me as someone who would be out side of John Green’s demographic though.”

 

Dr. Augustus let out a genuine bark of laughter, “That is the greatest euphemism for being old I’ve ever heard!”

 

Harry reddened and stuttered, “I-I didn’t – I -”

 

The doctor held up her hand, “I was kidding, it was still funny though. Anyway, I’m not going to pry any thing out of you, if you don’t want to talk that’s fine, I can’t make you. However you’re here to get better and work on things that you can’t work on with the boys or Simon. I’m here to be someone you can talk to who isn’t involved. It would really be in your best interest to make good use of your time with us. We can talk about anything you want, anything that’s bothering you, even if it’s the tension in the middle east, or just books. Would you like to borrow one?”

 

Harry had been tuning her out until the last line, he perked up in his seat, “I haven’t read The Fault in Our Stars yet.”

 

She spun around and plucked it off the shelf and handed it to Harry. He stood to leave when she interrupted him again, “Harry, one more thing, please eat something. I know the food isn’t great but even just some tea would be good.”

 

Harry nodded gravely and left, he sat with a cup of tea and the blue book for the rest of the after noon.


	10. Chapter 10

Liam and Niall sat on Zayn’s couch, they haven’t been working while Harry’s been committed and Lou’s still in the hospital. They were supposed to be watching Toy story but not even Liam could pay attention to his favorite movie, he was deep in thought when Niall stood and head towards the kitchen.

 

His voice sounded through the flat and he called to Zayn, “What with the lack of food, mate? …. And some of it’s bad.” Liam looked over at Zayn, who was sitting with his chin in his hands and was staring into space. Liam put a hand on his shoulder and gave him a gentle shake.

 

“Hey, Zayn what’s been up with you lately?”

 

Zayn came back to Earth and looked at Liam, “What?”

 

“Mate, you haven’t left the house in days. You haven’t shaved, went grocery shopping, and I think you were wearing that shirt the last time we were in the hospital.” None of the boys had visited Lou since Harry left. They had attempted an intervention but Lou wasn’t having it, his sobriety would have to be forced by the legal system just like Harry’s sanity would be.

 

“I just, I don’t know. I just don’t know what to do.” Zayn sighed.

 

Liam gave him a weak smile, “We both know how much you miss him, we miss him too. Just go visit. I’m sure they’ll let you, and I’m sure Harry is dying to see anyone who isn’t a doctor or a loon.”

 

Zayn stood running his hands through his raven hair, mussing it more than it already was. His anxiety was radiating off of him in waves. “You don’t get it Liam, you didn’t see the look he gave to me. You didn’t hear what I said to him.”

 

Niall joined Liam on the couch once more, they both looked at him with curiosity. Niall piped up, “Good god man, what did you say to him?”

 

Zayn remembered the incident with terrifying clarity, he could even pinpoint when the last string inside Harry broke through those green orbs. That’s what Zayn loved about Harry he couldn’t hide anything  because he could always see what Harry was really thinking in his eyes.

 

“I – I said ‘you need to grow up and realize that running away and shutting everyone out isn’t the way to deal with things’.”

 

Liam and Niall both flinched simultaneously. Liam stood then, “You need to go see him this weekend, I mean seriously Zayn, you KNOW how much he hates anyone pointing out that he’s they youngest or immature. He tried to fucking kill himself, and you said that to him?!”

“I DO NOT FUCKING NEED you making me feel EVEN WORSE about this then I already fucking am!” Zayn roared standing menacingly over the older boy. Niall stepped in between the two of them with a stern look on his face. Zayn let out a bitter laugh, “What are you going to do you fooking leprechaun? We all know you’re the bitch and he’s the butch.” Both Liam and Niall’s jaws dropped, “Yeah I know, we all know. There are no secrets on that mother fucking tour bus, accept maybe Harry’s self destructive tendencies.”

 

With no warning Niall pulled his arm back and cold cocked Zayn right in the nose. He fell dead away and Niall straddled him and continued punching whilst screaming, “WHO’S THE BITCH NOW, MOTHER FUCKER!”

 

Liam pulled Niall off of Zayn but he was already unconscious from the Irishman’s heavy blows.

___________________

When Vanessa walked in she saw Zayn holding a raw steak against his face and Niall nursing his hand with a bag of frozen peas. Liam stood there looking sheepish, “I didn’t know who else to call.”

 

Vanessa held up her manicured hand and offered him a smile, “It’s fine, enough time has passed that I don’t want to do to Zayn what Niall seems to have done already. With that said that doesn’t mean I’m not going to thoroughly enjoy his pain.” She finished with a wink.

 

She sat down between the feuding boys on the couch and the silent settled in so snugly that it was almost like they had just broken up all over again. Although Zayn brought it up and ot was mutual every fangirl and tabloid would say that Zayn dumped Vanessa. Even a mutual break up hurts, it always hurts when your relationship falls apart right before your eyes. Liam broke the silence.

 

“Well I think we should go…” He began holding Nessa’s gaze, she gave him a solemn nod and watched Niall follow him out the door like he was a wounded puppy. When the door closed she leaned foreward, resting her elbows on her knees and lacing her fingers. After a moment she gave Zayn a side long glance, he returned it and she cracked a smile. “You know I didn’t know people put meat on their faces in real life, I thought it was only something that happened in the movies.”

 

Despite Zayn’s sour demeanor he chuckled, “Yeah well, Niall had already grabbed the peas when I finally came to.” Vanessa sighed and looked at him full on.

 

“Come on, lets see the damage then.” She exhaled

 

Zayn removed the cow flesh to reveal and equally red and raw face. His eye was black and puffy, his nose and cheek were swollen, and his lip was fat and split. Nessa bit her lip trying to contain the giggle that was bubbling up within her. Zayn could see the enjoyment flash across her hazel eyes and put the meat back on his face.

 

“This isn’t the time to enjoy my pain.” He pouted

 

“I know, I know. I’m sorry. Do you want to talk about it?”

 

“No”

 

“Want me to fix you up?” She said holding up a small tool box with a red cross on the top. Zayn had been wondering why she was called; apparently he had forgotten she was a nurse. Zayn nodded and she set to work stitching up his face and giving him something for the pain, and an ice pack for his eye. She sat back admiring her work when Zayn leaned in and pushed an auburn strand of hair behind her ear in the most clichéd way. He kept leaning into her and she only had time for “Zayn- I-..” before his lips collided with hers.

 

Her lips were soft and supple and his were chapped and broken, he ran is hands over her too small jaw, and ran his fingers through her too straight hair. His hands wandered under her shirt feeling her too soft skin, she lacked muscle mass in all the wrong places, and when he pulled away to look into her green eyes he realized they weren’t green, they were tainted and stained brown. Just another thing he had ruined. He pushed further picking her up and taking her to his room, he spent the rest of the night trying to remember him and project him onto her body.

 

____________________

Harry was about halfway through when he returned to his room. He walked it to find Ariadne attempting a handstand on her bed with the wall supporting her back. He flopped face first onto his bed like he always did. “What’s up, sugar puff? How did your shrink session go?”

 

Harry grumbled into his pillow before saying, “It was ok, she’s letting me read this book.” He lifted up his hand, he was holding his page with his finger as he laid face first in a puddle of his own feelings.

 

“No. Freaking. Way. I didn’t know Auggy was a nerdfighter!” Ariadne fell over and plucked the book from his hand. Harry perked up, narrowed his eyes and fake pouted at his booklessness. Ariadne was running her fingers over the cover in admiration and she opened the cover and her jaw dropped. “Son of a bitch, it’s a signed copy too,” She breathed.

 

“So you’ve read it?” Harry deduced.

 

She gave him a look a look that said, ‘Oh please’ but what she said was “Of course I have Harold, come on use your noodle. You have no idea what this book means to me.” Her voice dropped so low that Harry struggled to hear her despite how close she was. Her smile had dropped a bit and handed back the book. She sat down on her bed again.

 

Harry leaned foreword trying to catch her eye as he asked, “What do you mean?”

 

She smiled but it didn’t reach her eyes like it normally did, it wasn’t mischievous either. She stood and rolled up her back jean shorts she was wearing exposing the top of her left thigh. She revealed an astonishing tattoo, it was the quote “That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.” And it was outlined with a small cloud, which was identical to the one on the cover of the book.

 

However it wasn’t the tattoo that shocked Harry, its what he saw behind the tattoo, what resided in the negative space of the tattoo.  Her leg was littered with scars, some pink, some purple, some white, some silver. She rolled down her shorts and sat back down, Harry was staring at the floor and absent-mindedly rubbing his wrists who were still bandaged. “It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why you were here, Harry. You have no idea how nice it feels to just be in the company of someone who understands.”

 

Harry looked at her she was staring at her hands, half covered by long sleeves. “Ariadne,” Harry sighed. He didn’t know what to say, he had questions but none of them would come out, all he could come up with in his infinite eloquence was “Why?” He saw his mistake almost immediately when she shot him a ferocious look as she shot up. He could feel her rage in the air.

 

To his surprise she didn’t yell, her voice was barely a whisper. “Why? Harold? Really? That’s all you got? You know damn well why. I’m not even going to dignify that with a response.” She stood there, tears threatening to fall from her eyes. Harry stood and pulled her into his arms, he couldn’t hear her sobs but he could feel her shoulders shake and how she gripped his t-shirt. When she stopped shaking she tried to pull away Harry didn’t let her pull away very far. She wiped her face with her sleeves and looked back up at him. Harry stooped his head to look her in the eye, his expression was serious and he looked as if he was just posed with a particularly difficult riddle. That was how he saw Ariadne, a riddle, and endless enigma that he needed to solve. He didn’t know why but he had to unravel the mystery that was she.  He leaned in, in that moment, and pressed his lips to hers.  She kissed him back, with her hands on his shoulders; he pulled her face closer to his and ran his fingers through her hair. She nipped and tugged at his bottom lip before pushing him away very quickly and sitting down on her bed. Harry stood there dumbfounded staring at her when suddenly a knock sounded on the door and it opened to reveal an orderly telling them “Lights out.”

 

When the door closed Ariadne stood with a mischievous grin and he just shook his head. “When you’ve been here as long as I have, you get a feel for these things.” She laughed.  Harry stood there looking at her from under his curls not sure what to do now, not sure if the moment was ruined or not. Ariadne stood and kissed him once more, and for the first time since he left the hospital he didn’t think of Zayn or their fight. He held her and kissed her because in that moment he was with someone who knew, who actually knew what it was like, and he knew that he had to keep her at all costs. Because she was the only thing that proved he wasn’t crazy, and that he wasn’t alone. 


	11. Chapter 11

Liam and Niall sat on Zayn’s couch, they haven’t been working while Harry’s been committed and Lou’s still in the hospital. They were supposed to be watching Toy story but not even Liam could pay attention to his favorite movie, he was deep in thought when Niall stood and head towards the kitchen.

 

His voice sounded through the flat and he called to Zayn, “What with the lack of food, mate? …. And some of it’s bad.” Liam looked over at Zayn, who was sitting with his chin in his hands and was staring into space. Liam put a hand on his shoulder and gave him a gentle shake.

 

“Hey, Zayn what’s been up with you lately?”

 

Zayn came back to Earth and looked at Liam, “What?”

 

“Mate, you haven’t left the house in days. You haven’t shaved, went grocery shopping, and I think you were wearing that shirt the last time we were in the hospital.” None of the boys had visited Lou since Harry left. They had attempted an intervention but Lou wasn’t having it, his sobriety would have to be forced by the legal system just like Harry’s sanity would be.

 

“I just, I don’t know. I just don’t know what to do.” Zayn sighed.

 

Liam gave him a weak smile, “We both know how much you miss him, we miss him too. Just go visit. I’m sure they’ll let you, and I’m sure Harry is dying to see anyone who isn’t a doctor or a loon.”

 

Zayn stood running his hands through his raven hair, mussing it more than it already was. His anxiety was radiating off of him in waves. “You don’t get it Liam, you didn’t see the look he gave to me. You didn’t hear what I said to him.”

 

Niall joined Liam on the couch once more, they both looked at him with curiosity. Niall piped up, “Good god man, what did you say to him?”

 

Zayn remembered the incident with terrifying clarity, he could even pinpoint when the last string inside Harry broke through those green orbs. That’s what Zayn loved about Harry he couldn’t hide anything  because he could always see what Harry was really thinking in his eyes.

 

“I – I said ‘you need to grow up and realize that running away and shutting everyone out isn’t the way to deal with things’.”

 

Liam and Niall both flinched simultaneously. Liam stood then, “You need to go see him this weekend, I mean seriously Zayn, you KNOW how much he hates anyone pointing out that he’s they youngest or immature. He tried to fucking kill himself, and you said that to him?!”

“I DO NOT FUCKING NEED you making me feel EVEN WORSE about this then I already fucking am!” Zayn roared standing menacingly over the older boy. Niall stepped in between the two of them with a stern look on his face. Zayn let out a bitter laugh, “What are you going to do you fooking leprechaun? We all know you’re the bitch and he’s the butch.” Both Liam and Niall’s jaws dropped, “Yeah I know, we all know. There are no secrets on that mother fucking tour bus, accept maybe Harry’s self destructive tendencies.”

 

With no warning Niall pulled his arm back and cold cocked Zayn right in the nose. He fell dead away and Niall straddled him and continued punching whilst screaming, “WHO’S THE BITCH NOW, MOTHER FUCKER!”

 

Liam pulled Niall off of Zayn but he was already unconscious from the Irishman’s heavy blows.

___________________

When Vanessa walked in she saw Zayn holding a raw steak against his face and Niall nursing his hand with a bag of frozen peas. Liam stood there looking sheepish, “I didn’t know who else to call.”

 

Vanessa held up her manicured hand and offered him a smile, “It’s fine, enough time has passed that I don’t want to do to Zayn what Niall seems to have done already. With that said that doesn’t mean I’m not going to thoroughly enjoy his pain.” She finished with a wink.

 

She sat down between the feuding boys on the couch and the silent settled in so snugly that it was almost like they had just broken up all over again. Although Zayn brought it up and ot was mutual every fangirl and tabloid would say that Zayn dumped Vanessa. Even a mutual break up hurts, it always hurts when your relationship falls apart right before your eyes. Liam broke the silence.

 

“Well I think we should go…” He began holding Nessa’s gaze, she gave him a solemn nod and watched Niall follow him out the door like he was a wounded puppy. When the door closed she leaned foreward, resting her elbows on her knees and lacing her fingers. After a moment she gave Zayn a side long glance, he returned it and she cracked a smile. “You know I didn’t know people put meat on their faces in real life, I thought it was only something that happened in the movies.”

 

Despite Zayn’s sour demeanor he chuckled, “Yeah well, Niall had already grabbed the peas when I finally came to.” Vanessa sighed and looked at him full on.

 

“Come on, lets see the damage then.” She exhaled

 

Zayn removed the cow flesh to reveal and equally red and raw face. His eye was black and puffy, his nose and cheek were swollen, and his lip was fat and split. Nessa bit her lip trying to contain the giggle that was bubbling up within her. Zayn could see the enjoyment flash across her hazel eyes and put the meat back on his face.

 

“This isn’t the time to enjoy my pain.” He pouted

 

“I know, I know. I’m sorry. Do you want to talk about it?”

 

“No”

 

“Want me to fix you up?” She said holding up a small tool box with a red cross on the top. Zayn had been wondering why she was called; apparently he had forgotten she was a nurse. Zayn nodded and she set to work stitching up his face and giving him something for the pain, and an ice pack for his eye. She sat back admiring her work when Zayn leaned in and pushed an auburn strand of hair behind her ear in the most clichéd way. He kept leaning into her and she only had time for “Zayn- I-..” before his lips collided with hers.

 

Her lips were soft and supple and his were chapped and broken, he ran is hands over her too small jaw, and ran his fingers through her too straight hair. His hands wandered under her shirt feeling her too soft skin, she lacked muscle mass in all the wrong places, and when he pulled away to look into her green eyes he realized they weren’t green, they were tainted and stained brown. Just another thing he had ruined. He pushed further picking her up and taking her to his room, he spent the rest of the night trying to remember him and project him onto her body.

 

____________________

Harry was about halfway through when he returned to his room. He walked it to find Ariadne attempting a handstand on her bed with the wall supporting her back. He flopped face first onto his bed like he always did. “What’s up, sugar puff? How did your shrink session go?”

 

Harry grumbled into his pillow before saying, “It was ok, she’s letting me read this book.” He lifted up his hand, he was holding his page with his finger as he laid face first in a puddle of his own feelings.

 

“No. Freaking. Way. I didn’t know Auggy was a nerdfighter!” Ariadne fell over and plucked the book from his hand. Harry perked up, narrowed his eyes and fake pouted at his booklessness. Ariadne was running her fingers over the cover in admiration and she opened the cover and her jaw dropped. “Son of a bitch, it’s a signed copy too,” She breathed.

 

“So you’ve read it?” Harry deduced.

 

She gave him a look a look that said, ‘Oh please’ but what she said was “Of course I have Harold, come on use your noodle. You have no idea what this book means to me.” Her voice dropped so low that Harry struggled to hear her despite how close she was. Her smile had dropped a bit and handed back the book. She sat down on her bed again.

 

Harry leaned foreword trying to catch her eye as he asked, “What do you mean?”

 

She smiled but it didn’t reach her eyes like it normally did, it wasn’t mischievous either. She stood and rolled up her back jean shorts she was wearing exposing the top of her left thigh. She revealed an astonishing tattoo, it was the quote “That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.” And it was outlined with a small cloud, which was identical to the one on the cover of the book.

 

However it wasn’t the tattoo that shocked Harry, its what he saw behind the tattoo, what resided in the negative space of the tattoo.  Her leg was littered with scars, some pink, some purple, some white, some silver. She rolled down her shorts and sat back down, Harry was staring at the floor and absent-mindedly rubbing his wrists who were still bandaged. “It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why you were here, Harry. You have no idea how nice it feels to just be in the company of someone who understands.”

 

Harry looked at her she was staring at her hands, half covered by long sleeves. “Ariadne,” Harry sighed. He didn’t know what to say, he had questions but none of them would come out, all he could come up with in his infinite eloquence was “Why?” He saw his mistake almost immediately when she shot him a ferocious look as she shot up. He could feel her rage in the air.

 

To his surprise she didn’t yell, her voice was barely a whisper. “Why? Harold? Really? That’s all you got? You know damn well why. I’m not even going to dignify that with a response.” She stood there, tears threatening to fall from her eyes. Harry stood and pulled her into his arms, he couldn’t hear her sobs but he could feel her shoulders shake and how she gripped his t-shirt. When she stopped shaking she tried to pull away Harry didn’t let her pull away very far. She wiped her face with her sleeves and looked back up at him. Harry stooped his head to look her in the eye, his expression was serious and he looked as if he was just posed with a particularly difficult riddle. That was how he saw Ariadne, a riddle, and endless enigma that he needed to solve. He didn’t know why but he had to unravel the mystery that was she.  He leaned in, in that moment, and pressed his lips to hers.  She kissed him back, with her hands on his shoulders; he pulled her face closer to his and ran his fingers through her hair. She nipped and tugged at his bottom lip before pushing him away very quickly and sitting down on her bed. Harry stood there dumbfounded staring at her when suddenly a knock sounded on the door and it opened to reveal an orderly telling them “Lights out.”

 

When the door closed Ariadne stood with a mischievous grin and he just shook his head. “When you’ve been here as long as I have, you get a feel for these things.” She laughed.  Harry stood there looking at her from under his curls not sure what to do now, not sure if the moment was ruined or not. Ariadne stood and kissed him once more, and for the first time since he left the hospital he didn’t think of Zayn or their fight. He held her and kissed her because in that moment he was with someone who knew, who actually knew what it was like, and he knew that he had to keep her at all costs. Because she was the only thing that proved he wasn’t crazy, and that he wasn’t alone.

_______

Zayn woke with a start with his sheets pooled in his lap.  He shot out of bed and pulled a pair of boxers on which had been strewn haphazardly across his guitar. He stalked around his flat stringing expletives together in his mind, looking for any trace of her. He found a note on the kitchen counter, her loopy letters soothed his racing thoughts and quelled his quickened pulse.

 

Zayn,

Lets not kid ourselves here, that was great but that isn’t what either of us need or want right now. We were just fulfilling a need we both had, and now that its done lets not make a habit out of it. If you need to talk, I’m always available.

~Nessa

 

Zayn pressed his head against the counter and sighed. He decided in that moment that he needed to see Harry he couldn’t do this anymore. He showered, grabbed his guitar and, practiced what he was going to say the whole way there.


	12. Chapter 12

Harry woke alone with a grin, the first genuine smile he’d had in a while. He walked down the hall to the bathroom where he showered, he returned to his room to dump his clothes and grab his book. He’d hoped that he’d catch Ariadne but she was nowhere to be seen. He grabbed his book, and with Dr. Augustus’ words in mind, made his way over to the cafeteria. He sat there ate, and read hoping she would pop up mysteriously in the way she always did.

 

______________

Ariadne sat in one of three chairs in Auggy’s office. Her sister occupying the one next to her and Auggy in the one across the desk that looked infinitely more comfortable than her own. Auggy was here to facilitate because when Ariadne had normal visitations she wouldn’t speak at all. Her motivation to speak now? She hated solitary, and that’s where she would be heading if she didn’t participate. She sat cross-legged in the chair staring broodingly at her chipped nail polish. Her sister shifted uncomfortably.

 

“So, how have you been, Raddy?”

 

The term of endearment rang through her mind and echoed off the walls. Ariadne shrugged, “It’s in the middle of your head, the middle of your head.”

 

Her sister cracked a smile and clarified for the doctor, “They’re lyrics, she always used to say how lyrics could describe how she felt more than her own words.” She turned to Aridane now and tried to meet her eyes, “I hate seeing you here, but I can’t tell you how much better you look. It feels like this is working.”

 

Ariadne raised her eyes to glare at her sibling.

“This is where I say I’ve had enough

And no one should ever feel the way that I feel now.

A walking open wound,

A trophy display of bruises

And I don’t believe that I’m getting any better, any better.

 

So don’t be a liar,

Don’t say that “everything’s working”

When everything’s broken.

And you smile like a saint

But you curse like a sailor

And your eyes say the joke’s on me.

 

But I’m not laughing and you’re not leaving

And who do I think I am kidding

When I’m the only one locked in this cell?”

 

Ariadne was now standing, itching to leave, she looked and Auggy and received a silent nod. She made her exit swiftly.

 

_______________________

Harry was still reading when an orderly came up to him and told him he had a visitor. As he followed the man he sincerely hoped it was Liam and Niall. The orderly lead him into a large room with many round tables and chairs and there in the middle of the room sat Zayn and his guitar. Harry froze and heard the orderly close the door. The smile on Zayn’s face upon seeing him fell when he saw Harry’s reaction. “Harry, please.” He pled, his voice cracking. “Please just listen.” Harry nodded stiffly and sat down across from him. Zayn cleared his throat and began to play.

 

_It’s times like these where I lose myself in the stories_

_My old man would tell about life, true love, and war,_

_The kind of war where you beat yourself._

_‘Cause now I’ve got this stomach pain,_

_The kind of pain that gets worse when the rain hits hard,_

_Like my fist when I try to explain to the wall this mess I’m in._

_See, I’m tired now and my mind won’t quit_

_Since I got the news that you were sick._

_I thought of life, of time and death._

_If I could only use my breathe,_

_I’d breathe my life into your lungs._

_With love and strength, I have faith I will lift you up._

_It’s a lesson learned._

_As we move on, I still need your around._

_I’d be lost without you._

_I’m not sure I could face this world on my own._

_No, I don’t wanna go on alone._

_I don’t wanna go on alone._

_I don’t wanna go._

_I’m terrified that this fear exists,_

_And I’m scared I’ll come to terms with it, but that’s life._

_You are what you leave,_

_Like the simple lessons my dad taught me._

_I know we all grow old and die and make our place in another life._

_I’m glad that there’s still time to let you know,_

_I still need your around._

_I’d be lost without you._

_I’m not sure I could face this world on my own._

_No, I don’t wanna go on alone._

_I don’t wanna go on alone._

_I don’t wanna go._

Harry was silent with his lips slightly parted and tears welling up in his eyes, tears he was tired of fighting. He was tired of hiding them from him, he wanted to share everything with him and he was so fucking tired of being pushed away.

 

Zayn used his silence to his advantage, “Harry, I haven’t been completely honest with you. And I’m hoping that after I tell you this, you’ll understand why I am the way that I am, yeah?” Harry managed a nod, with a trembling lip.  Zayn told Harry about Ryan, and how he’s struggled with his feelings for Harry since they met, and why he was so angry that Harry had attempted to leave him. “Because even after being in love with you all that time and coming to terms with you never knowing, even that was better than just the thought of never seeing you smile again, or seeing your eyes sparkle with mischief when you’re planning some kind of prank. Harry I love you, I love you in every way that frightens me most and I just can’t handle it. I want to be with you but I can’t stand the thought of hurting you and I can’t stand the thought of what people would think about us. I care for you so much and it kills me that you hurt yourself like this. But you need to get better for yourself, not for me, not for Lou, or Liam, or Niall, or Simon, or the fans. It has to be for you, because you want to. I can’t be your reason to live. I don’t think I could ever take letting you down like that. ”

 

And just like that Zayn had said all of the words that Harry never wanted to hear. Why? Because he just out it all on him. He just made getting better his responsibility. And Harry wasn’t ready for that. Harry saw red and could feel his fingers tingle with anger. He thought he was going to die with all of his rage in his veins. He stood and ran out without a word. Zayn was momentarily shocked but recovered and ran after the curly haired boy.

_________________

Ariadne made it to the lobby before her sister caught up and almost pulled her arm out of her socket. “What the fuck was that about? ‘Your eyes say they jokes one me?’ When are you going to stop blaming me for this?! Hmm?! You did this to yourself! What was I supposed to do?! What would Dad say if he were here now?!” Ariadne glared red hot daggers at her and attempted to make her eyes melt out of her head with her mind, when that didn’t work she was just about to slap her when some one collided with her. It was Harry, he steadied himself with a hand on her shoulder and she wrapped her arms around his middle and buried her face into his chest, inhaling his comforting scent. It took him a minute to realize it was her before wrapping his impossibly long arms around her frame as well. Harry heard a small sharp inhale and looked up and saw, much to his surprise, Zayn’s ex-girlfriend. He also heard Zayn’s footfalls come to a sudden halt be hind him.

 

“Nessa?” Zayn’s voice rang out in the bare hall, “Wha-Why, Who?”

 

She just stood there, mouth agape eyes darting between Zayn and Harry, who had cocooned her litter sister.

 

Ariadne wiggled her way under Harry’s arm to get a glance at the male voice. He looked strangely familiar.

 

“Zayn… Why is Harry here? And why is he holding my sister?” Nessa began.

 

“I’m afraid… no one is supposed to know that Harry is here, let alone why. And your guess is as good as mine.” Zayn finished.

 

Ariadne kept rolling over that name in her mind while Harry moved away from her, still holding her hand in his. He stood tall and defiant but Ariadne knew better, she knew because that was the same stance she took when facing her sister. The same lie she wore.

 

Harry spoke, his voice shaking, “I had come to terms with what happened that day, Zayn. I was ok with it. I was dealing with being alone, unloved, and worthless. I was finding ways to cope in this place. Then you came today and said…that… and I just can’t. Zayn I just can’t.”

 

Zayn’s words caught in his throat but he managed to choke them out anyway, “Harry, you can hate me all you want, but I gave you what you deserved which was the truth and no one can fault me for that.”

 

“I can.” Ariadne chirped

 

Zayn shot her a glare. “Stay out of this.” Nessa’s eyes narrowed on her sister.

 

“We used to have this fight each night! She’d never admit I existed!” Ariadne jabbed a finger at her sister.

 

“He was the same way, he was always run away, hit the road, don’t give me - you’re full of shit!!” Harry spat at Zayn.

 

“She’s in denial!” Nessa spewed

 

“He’s in denial!” Zayn agreed.

 

“Didn’t give an inch when I gave a mile” Nessa retorted.

 

“I gave a mile!” Zayn barked

 

“Gave a mile to who?!” Harry and Ariadne emitted simultaneously

 

“I’d be happy to die for a taste of what Niall has, some one to live for unafraid to say I love you!” Harry hissed.

 

“All your words are nice Harry, but love’s not a three-way street. You’ll never share in love until you love yourself, I should know.” Zayn called because Harry had already turned and bolted down the hall with Ariadne. 


	13. Chapter 13

Niall blinked away the brightness in the room a few times as he rose to consciousness, pulled along by the smell of something cooking. “Bacon.” he mumbled to himself. His eyes snapped open as his mind caught up with the word. He jumped out of bed and ran, very awkwardly, to the kitchen, knowing this flat as well as his own. When he reached the kitchen Liam was standing in front of the stove, one hand on the frying pan, tongs in the other, and a huge smile on his face.  
“I knew it.” he smiled even wider, “When I pulled the bacon out of the fridge I thought, ‘Niall’s gonna wake up as soon as this hits the pan.’” he put the tongs down and walked over to the Irish lad. “And I like your choice of attire, love.” Niall looked down and realised he was only wearing a pair of grey Topman briefs. Liam’s Topman briefs at that. “When did you even put those on?” Liam laughed.  
“Yeh waa I ce teh ew whaaaa” Niall yawned and stretched his arms out.   
“Did you just say you have polio?” Liam laughed again, and picked the smaller boy up while he was off guard, causing him to let out a little yelp and wrap his legs around Liam’s waist.   
“Jesus, Li! Do you insist on always picking me up?” Liam put him down on the counter, and moved to step away, but Niall locked his ankles to keep him there, “And by the way, what I said was, I can tell you what I put them on after.” he winked and released Liam.   
“Oh,” The older boy smirked, flipping the bacon “And what would that be babe?” he asked.  
“Well, Niall hopped off the counter, “it was definitely after you ripped mine off,” he sauntered over to Liam, “and after you tied me to the posts,” he wrapped his hands around Liam, “And after you fucked me so hard I couldn’t see straight,” he whispered against his ear.  
“Hmmm,” Liam pulled the bacon from the pan, “I think I do remember that,” he turned around to face Niall, “but I also seem to remember a small Irishman screaming for me to go harder, so, not sure if you could consider it my fault.” He took a piece of bacon. “Now settle down, I’d like to finish breakfast before any funny business.” Niall snorted, because he knew Liam was completely incapable of cursing outside of the bedroom, and Niall thought it was the most adorable thing ever.   
“I love you.” he sighed contently.  
Liam didn’t even turn around, but Niall could tell he was smirking, “I love you too, but we’re not having sex on this table. We eat here.”  
Niall rolled his eyes, “What, can’t I just tell my boyfriend that I love him?” he swiped a piece of bacon, “And you’ll give in eventually.”

—

“GET THE PHOOOOOONNNEEEEEEE.” Liam called out to Niall from the shower.  
“ALRIGHT! CHRIST!!” the blonde boy reached across the bed and picked up Liam’s landline, “Hello?”  
“Hey Niall, where are you guys?”   
“Oh hey Zayn, sorry, Liam’s just showering and then we’ll be at the studio. The show isn’t until 6 though, right?”   
“Yeah, but you’re supposed to be here by 5. And it’s,” Niall was sure Zayn was checking a clock somewhere, “4:47.”  
“Okay, okay! Calm down,” Niall heard the water go off, “there Liam’s getting out right now. We’re on our way!”   
“Right, well, hurry up. Bye.”  
“Bye.” Niall hung up the phone, rolling his eyes. “Zayn says to hurry up, and a bunch of bullshit I wasn’t li- Babe, are you okay?” Niall stood up and walked over to Liam, who was rubbing his hands together nervously, half dressed.  
“Yeah, I’m just, I’ve been thinking a lot lately, like about us,”   
“Oh, God, you’re not br-“  
“NO, no, God no Niall, I love you so much, and, because of that I was thinking, maybe we could, I don’t know, tell people, during the interview today?” His voice was barely more than a whisper by the time he got to the end of the sentence?”  
“Are, are you serious?” Niall asked shocked, “I mean, are you sure you want to do that? I know how you’ve always been about it.”  
“But so much has changed, and this whole thing, it just, I don’t want to look back and regret things, and I regret this every day.”   
“Then alright.” he grabbed Liam’s hand, and smiled up at him, at the man he loved more than anything, “And as much as I LOVE you like this, you should probably put on a shirt.” he winked and let go of his hand.   
Liam pulled a shirt over his head and grabbed a sweatshirt and his keys, before grabbing Niall’s wrist “Hey, you,” he pulled the younger boy back to him and into a kiss. He ran his tongue along the Irish boy’s lower lip, causing a moan to escape from his lips, giving Liam an opportunity to push in, and explore the mouth he already knew so well.  
“Li, ” Niall gasped taking a half step back, “we really do need to go.”  
“Yeah, yeah, okay.” he intertwined he and Niall’s fingers, ” ‘Sgo.”

—

“Good evening ladies and gentleman!” the host called out, the audience responding with a round of applause, “tonight, we’ve got quite a treat for you, One Direction’s Liam, Niall, and Zayn are here!” more applause.  
“Hey, come on,” Niall whispered to Liam, whose was visibly shaking with nerves, “you’re Liam Payne. World’s smoothest motherfucker,” Liam laughed, “You’ll be fine.”  
“Thanks. There’s no way I could do this without you,” he squeezed the blonde boy’s hand.  
“Well. Yes, If not only literally.” Niall winked.  
“I hate you.” He rolled his eyes.  
“No you don’t.” Niall smiled.  
“So let’s welcome them out here, Zayn, Liam, and Niall!!” the three boys walked out on to the stage and were met with a wall of shouting unlike anything they’d ever seen from this small a venue, people were going mad.   
“Boys, boys, welcome!” the host shook each of their hands.  
“Thank you so much for having us!” Liam smiled, slipping right into the role he played so often.  
“Now, there’s been a lot of talk about Louis and Harry being in the hospital, so tell us what’s going on?”  
“Well,” Niall spoke up, parroting out the lines management had told him to say earlier, “Lou was involved in a very serious crash about two weeks ago, and Harry has just been very torn up about it, and has been at his side 24/7.”  
“Well, there are people saying that Harry himself had been checked into the hospital, for some other reason.”  
“No,” Zayn lied through his teeth, “He’s just been, he really needs to be with his brother, and we can all understand that, you know?”   
“Yes, I think we do, well, we wish Louis the best of luck.”  
The boys replied with a solemn chorus of thank you’s.  
“Well, let’s talk about you lad then, yeah? Any new ladies for you boys?”   
Zayn almost choked on his tongue. “Nah, no women at the moment for this pop star.” he laughed, in a hallow, fake kind of way.   
“What about our Irish fellow, you must be drowning in girls.”   
He looked over to Liam who nodded back, “Actually, I do have someone special.”  
“Oh yeah? And who’s that?” the host asked nervously.  
“Liam James Payne.” he reached across and grabbed his hand.  
And the ratings spiked.  
“Aww well isn’t that sweet. And when did that happen?”  
Liam looked back at Niall and smiled, “10 months ago?”  
And tumblr crashed.  
“Wow, why a secret for so long?” the host asked innocently.  
Niall had to bite his lip to keep from laughing out loud, “Well, we just feel like it’s a personal matter.” Liam answer.  
“Well we’re all very happy for you, and that’s all the time we have, it was very nice to have you guys.” All three thanked him, and shook his hand before walking off the stage.   
As soon as they has passed the stage door, Liam’s phone was ringing.  
“Fuck.” Niall said when he saw it was management.  
“Well. We knew this was gonna happen.” he took a deep breath and answered the phone. “Hello? Well, yes we,” he wandered off.  
“So, how’s it coming with Haz?” Niall asked Zayn.  
“He’s really, I think I seriously fucked things up.” Zayn rubbed his eyes.  
“Zayn, do you love him?” Niall asked like it was a mundane, simple question.  
“I, Niall it’s, things are compli-“  
Niall cut him off, “Do. You. Love. Him?”   
“Yes, yes, okay! I do, I love him, and I’m so afraid of losing him, but yes.”  
“Well then nothing else really matters. It doesn’t matter who was right, it doesn’t matter who you messing up worse. It just doesn’t.” Niall smiled, looked at Liam in the distance.  
“But how can I love him if he doesn’t even love himself?” Zayn found himself spouting.   
Niall laughed, “That’s not the way it works Zayn. You don’t find perfect things in this world. You have to try and work to make them that way. You can’t expect to wait for Harry to somehow manage to fix everything in his head, YOU, have to help him do that, you have to be there for him, and you know what, it’s gonna be long, and it’s gonna be tough, but, you love him, and,” Liam walked back over to them and joined hands with Niall, “it’s gonna be worth it.”   
Zayn nodded, “Thank you.”   
Niall smiled, and then turned back to Liam, “So, what’d they say?”  
“Well. We’re in a TON of trouble, of course, but”  
“But?” Niall repeated hopefully,   
“They said it was actually a good thing, because it’s going to do a wonderful job of keeping the heat off ohm Harry and Lou at least until they’re released.” Liam smiled, “So we just have to pay so fees for breaching contract, and we’ll be fine.”   
“Oh my God, yes!” Niall hugged the older boy and pressed his face into his chest to stop his tears. “I love you, Lili,” he looked up and saw the brunette was holding back tears as well.  
“I love you too, my little leprechaun.” Liam smiled, and turned to ask Zayn something but the raven haired boy was running off in the opposite direction, “What’s he doing?” he asked Niall.  
“Something he should have done ages ago.” Niall smiled.


	14. Chapter 14

Harry sat with his head between his knees and sobbed. Ariadne sat rubbing circles in his back. When he finally calmed down he sniffed and asked in a small voice

 

“You aren’t mad?”

 

 Ariadne raised an eyebrow, “Oh god no, love. I knew you were gay but when you kissed me I thought I was wrong and that you were just bi but it really is fine. I enjoyed myself al the same and I don’t really care. And Wanna know why? Because I can see how much you love him and how much he loves you.”

 

Harry scoffed and ran his fingers through his curls. “I can’t believe he did that. I can’t believe he said that “I can’t be your reason to live, and that I have to fix myself.” Can’t he see that I’ve been trying so long to do that. I’ve tried so hard to be normal and to make everything ok and to take care of lou. -”

 

 Ariadne cut him off ” that isn’t your job Harry. Why do you want to be normal anyway? It’s vastly overrated I should know. Because even as fucked up as I am I’m more normal than an international sex god”  

 

Harry rolled his eyes and Ariadne continued ” Harry he loves you and he’s trying but you have to accept all of his flaws like you want him to accept all of yours “ Just then the door opened and a voice said “lights out” Without another word they returned to their respective beds but neither one of them got any sleep.  

 

————— 

 

Harry was sitting on his bed staring at his bed, he finished packing a while ago and was just waiting for someone to tell him he could leave. Ariadne was gone when he woke up and he hadn’t seen her since. He felt bed for toying with her like he had even though she insisted that it wasn’t a big deal because she was used to being disappointed. That didn’t reassure Harry much. He really wanted to remain friends with her after they got out but he didn’t want to submit her to the pressure of being friends with Harry Styles. Just then the door creaked open and Zayn fell through the door.

 

Harry saw Ariadne behind him and she whispered “I found him wondering around the lobby with these,” she held up a bouquet of roses “I’m going to keep these as a finders fee and I’ll leave you guys alone. 3 knocks means someone’s coming.” and with that she closed the door.

 

Zayn stood there unsure of what he should do and Harry stared at him in bewilderment. Harry was the first to break the silence,

 

 “They sent you to pick me up?”

 

Zayn cleared his throat, ” Uh. No they don’t know I’m here. Harry I’m so sorry I was completely out of line. ”

“ No Zayn it’s fine” Harry waved him off and stood to pick up his bag.

 

“No Harry listen to me. I love you and I realize now that you can’t do this by yourself and that I was being selfish. I really don’t want to hurt you and I can’t trust myself to not do that but if you can trust me not to and to help you get through this then I am willing to be their for you.”

Harry was standing there listening to I’m quietly and staring at his shoes because he wasn’t able to look Zayn in the eye. His face was bright red.

 

Zayn stooped low trying to meet his eyes. “Harry please say something.”

 

Harry began slowly trying to keep his voice steady. “Zayn, I - I want to be ok. I want to be ok for you, and for Lou. And I just don’t know how.” 

 

Zayn took Harry’s face in his hands. “Haz, don’t worry! We’ll figure it out together! Whatever happens we’ll get through it together, I promise.”  Harry leaned in and pressed his lips to Zayn’s with tears streaming down his face. Zayn twisted his fingers into Harry’s curls as he pulled him closer. Suddenly 3 knocks sounded on the door.

 

 They split apart and Ariadne poked her head in. “They’re coming, out quick!” Zayn rushed out and Harry stood there motionless, mouth agape. When he finally came to he patted his hair down and straightened his clothes. Simon and Auggy walked in and greeted him warmly.   

 

“How are you today, Harry? Ready?” Auggy asked the subtext apparent to everyone. Harry stared at his shoes unmoving and started playing with his hair.

 

“Yeah, I think so.” He mumbled. He had The Fault in Our Stars in his hands, “Oh, uhm, here. I finished it. I really liked it.”

 

Auggy smiled “Keep it, I think you can get more use out of it than I can.” Harry’s face lit up and Simon piped up.

 

“We better get going then.” He said opening the door. Everyone exited into the hallway Simon and Auggy leading the way. “Let me sign the release papers and then we can leave.” Harry nodded and stood in the lobby. A few moments later Ariadne showed up with Zayn.

 

“I have to get ready for group I guess. I’m going to miss you Harold. Promise you’ll write?” Ariadne faked a smile for Harry’s sake. He appreciated the gesture.

 

“Of course” he mumbled tears welling up in eyes. “I love you.”

 

“I love you to, you asshat.” She grinned and turned around to give Zayn a stern look. “You. You have to stop being such a cunt. Or so help me, I will break out of this prison and find you.” And with that she flounced down the hall towards their old room. Zayn just gave Harry a look and pulled him into a hug. “I love you so much Harry, please understand that.”

“I know, I love you too.” Harry gave him a genuine smile that lit up his face. They broke apart as Simon and Auggy were exiting the office.

 

“Zayn?” Simon inquired

 

“Yeah I thought I’d come see Harry off.” He grinned then Zayn and Simon walked out the door with Harry trailing behind.

 

“Harry!” Auggy called after him

 

He turned and she smiled, “Don’t pull an Augustus on him, ok? He won’t take it like Hazel, he’d be more of an Issac.” With that she tipped her imaginary hat at him and walked away and he concluded that she was the strangest doctor he had the pleasure of being in the presence of.


	15. Chapter 15

One year later

 Harry was standing with Lou on his right and Zayn on his left. He was glad that no one was looking at him because he didn’t want anyone to waste their concern on him. It was her day. He was standing over her the only thing protecting them from the British rain was an easy up. She looked so beautiful, Harry leaned over and placed The Fault in Our Stars in her casket.

 “I love you, you asshat.” He whispered, and then he kissed her forehead. The funeral home did a good job at covering her slashed wrists but Harry could still see them, only because he was looking for them. He turned and walked back to his seat. Her sister thanked everyone for coming and then they watched as she was lowered into her final resting place. This as the 2nd time in Harry’s life that he hoped and prayed that there was a God and a Heaven because she deserved that much. Harry finally noticed her grave marker, she was buried in her family plot but hers was the only one with a quote. It wasn’t the quote she had tattooed but Harry recognized it nonetheless.

 “The marks humans leave are too often scars.”


End file.
